Being judgmental is a part of human nature. It is an engraved cognitive behavior rooted in social structures and survival. Therefore, no matter what type of relationships we form with others, judgment always seems to follow. Sometimes out loud, yet most of the time it is quietly in our heads. More often than not, the harshest critic we face is our own minds. But no matter how loud the critics in our head are screaming, they tend to mishear our intent as actions.
Until recently, I never really realized how much of my life was taken up by “what ifs.” I seemed to judge myself by the chances I would have taken if the time had been right, the words I would have said if I had had more time or the person I would have been if my circumstances had been different.
I clung to my intentions as if wanting something is the same as building it. However, intention without action is just a reformed version of hypocrisy.
It is easy to cling to who we intend to be. We tell ourselves we are kind because we care deeply, even if we do not always portray it in all the ways we could. We love to claim we stand for change, justice or progress, yet too often those beliefs never leave the safety of our bubble. We tell ourselves we are ready for love, even if we are not putting ourselves in the position to accept it completely.
Judging ourselves on intent can feel comforting as it protects us from confronting the gap between who we imagine ourselves to be and how we are actually living.
There is one moment in my life that replays as a song stuck in my head, looping so often that it is engraved on the walls of my brain. The details of what actually happened feel irrelevant now because what stayed with me was not the moment itself, but instead what the moment was not. Every hesitation, silence and part of me that failed to act on my intention became my fixation. I had a constant sinking feeling that I let myself respond in ways that did not fully reflect the truth of what I felt or who I am.
But as much as I shamed myself for it, I still found a way to forgive myself, which in itself is a good and bad tactic. No one should ever bully themselves into thinking one harsh moment should define them, but as much as one can say they learned from their mistakes, putting this into action is a different story. Because even after forgiving myself with the excuse of good intent, I caught myself facing the same internal conflict again. It was on a different day, in a different circumstance, with different details, yet I still ended up with the same disappointment because I forgave myself too easily. I thought I learned from it, but I did not.
And that is when I realized how dangerous it can be to hide behind your intentions.
I searched for justifications to make my actions easier to sit with, but just because it is easier to believe our intentions excuse us does not mean we can ignore the fact that change requires more work than simply meaning to be better.
I am not saying that you should abandon compassion for yourself, because no one knows the internal battles you go through besides you. Do not punish yourself for what you cannot change. But there is a difference between giving yourself grace and giving yourself permission to stay stagnant.
Instead of telling yourself who you are, ask yourself what your actions portray. Believe in yourself enough to know that you can prove that your intentions are your actions. Because then, growth is less about obsessing over who you could have been and more about confronting who you are actively becoming.
So yes, be kind to yourself. But be honest too.
Use judgment to your favor, and not your disadvantage by ensuring your actions reflect the person you already believe you can become. Because if you do not, you might find yourself living a life built on intentions that were never strong enough to become reality.
We cannot execute our lives in the exact way we imagined them in our heads. But if we continue to choose action over excuse, we will be able to lessen the gap between our intentions and our identity, letting us finally catch up to who we keep saying we mean to be.
I hope that at the end of it all, while I lie down for my last night of sleep, I will be able to rest knowing I spent every day becoming someone my intentions would be proud of.