I’m not going to lie, hard conversations suck. I hate them. In fact, when I know I need to have them, I obsess over them hours before, during the conversation, and then I analyze it for hours (or days) later. Yes, I am a stressed out person. Though you get 121,000,000 results when you google, “How to have a hard conversation,” it will still be hard. I am a personal fan of the TED Talk by Ash Beckham called “Coming out of your closet.” She has a list called “The three pancake girl rules” (if you watch the full talk, you will understand the reference, I highly recommend it). Her rules are: 1) Be authentic, 2) Be direct, and 3) Be unapologetic. Personally, I am a fan of the first two, but not the third. The third I think is contextual. If the hard conversation is hurtful to the other person, it may help to apologize. Don’t over apologize, but also don’t be a jerk.
So here are my personal tips on having hard conversations:
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Be honest, and do not hold back. This is hard, especially if you are close to the person and do not want to hurt them. People are complex with complex feelings. If we were not, life would be so much easier. Do not share half the story with the other person, it will hurt them and you will regret it later. Also, make sure you clarify what the other person is saying. Just because you initiate the conversation does not mean you will stay focused and be comprehending during the conversation.
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Do not lie to ease into it. This is connected to #1, but sometimes you want to start off with a lie- this is not a good idea, it will backfire.
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Be comfortable. You want to be physically comfortable when you have this conversation, because I guarantee you will not be emotionally comfortable. If that means wearing sweatpants, get out those sweatpants. The last thing you want to worry about is your appearance or uncomfortable clothing.
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Know when to leave. This is always uncomfortable. You were just totally honest about your feelings and the other person probably was as well. You have said everything you wanted to say, and so did the other person. All of the feelings are out in the open, and you have to leave with both of you in this emotional state. You do not want to leave right away, but also do not overstay your welcome. It will suck, sorry.
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Have a plan afterwards. Get ice cream? Watch a crappy tv show? Order Domino’s? Whatever it is, you just got through a hard conversation, you deserve a reward!
Good luck, I believe in you.