Madeleine Albright once said “there is a special place in hell for woman who do not help other woman.”
What she forgot to add was……unless she hooks up with your boyfriend.
The other woman, the side chick, the booty call. Call it what you want, but we all know who I’m talking about; the girl who’s Facebook you and your friends have stalked all the way back to the 7th grade. The girl who hooked up with YOUR boyfriend. In today’s collegiate culture, cheating has (sadly) become a common occurrence in many (but not all) college relationships, especially those cross-country, long distance sagas. Because of this, I decided to launch an investigation into why we often blame the entire affair on these “other” girls, instead of our boyfriends. I wanted to look into the phenomenon of being “the other woman.” What draws us into these situations? What is so irresistible about a boy who we know we can’t really have? In the words of my fictional idol Carrie Bradshaw, is it “the pain, the exquisite pain, of wanting something so unattainable?”
I spoke with some SJU girls (who asked to remain anonymous) about their experiences as “the other woman.” I wanted to talk to girls who had gotten themselves wrapped up in a long term affair, so I could ask them why they agreed to such a twisted situation, and discuss the falling out, the finding out, and how they managed to pick up the pieces and move on with their lives. Here is one testimony that I found particularly striking:
“When I was a Freshman at SJU I met a guy out in Manayunk in the middle of the first semester. We hit it off, hanging out, and talking all night. He immediately told me he had a girlfriend back home, and even though I was a little bummed out, I continued to spend time with him on a regular basis. We started to hook-up, and in the beginning, I didn’t even question his status with his girlfriend. I just liked him so much. After a few weeks, I began asking him what he planned to do. He would get angry with me every time I brought up his girlfriend, and would constantly say ‘you’re putting too much pressure on me‘ or ‘you just don’t understand, she loves me.’ I knew it was wrong, but something about the entire situation was so addicting. I held hope for five months that he would break up with her, but it was, like, so strange, because deep down…..I knew that he never would. I lost myself in the entire situation. When his girlfriend came to visit in the spring, I actually had a discussion with her. She was so nice, and I just felt so shameful. After that weekend I stopped talking to the boy, who, to this day, continues to text me. I can’t help but feel so bad about myself when I think about the whole thing. I couldn’t get past it for the longest time…what people thought about me, and what I thought about myself.”
After I talked with this girl, I decided that I had to switch gears, and get the perspective of the girlfriend. I talked with a few of my friends that had been cheated on, and every single one of them admitted to obsessing over “this girl” more than blaming the boyfriend. When I asked them why, they said that it’s about “respect and girl code.” I had to give it to these girlfriends, they had perfectly valid arguments for disliking this girl. But what about the boy!? I’m not saying that being the other women is okay, but let’s remember, it takes two to tango. I think we often get caught up in what has happened to us, that we forget to look at the bigger picture.
So, what have I learned? Being the other woman is probably not something you should aim to be. But sometimes, it just happens. The passion, the secrecy, the pain; it draws us in. If a gal finds herself wrapped up in a whirlwind affair, remember, it’s never too late to get out. I truly believe that there is a big difference between what we want, and what we deserve. And when you find that strength to walk away, remember this: you are not what you did. Don’t dwell on the mistakes you have made. You will move on, the world will move on, and the entire event will one day be a distant memory. As girls, we have to have each others backs as much as we can. Remember that there are always two sides to every story.
As always, stay strong, stay classy, and keep your heads up.