*TW* Eating Disorder
Earlier this year, I wrote an article about my experience with recovering from an eating disorder during a pandemic.
When I wrote that article back in March, I think it was clear that my eating disorder (ED), whom I nicknamed Ana, had me in a chokehold. Clearly, the day-to-day decisions I was making just seven months ago weren’t actually being made by me.
Where am I in recovery now? Back in August I hit my one year mark of being in ED recovery.
Let me paint the picture for you. One year ago, it took me almost half an hour just to eat one slice of peanut butter toast. I drank way too much water and I exercised instead of spending time doing activities that I actually enjoyed. Where’s the dopamine if I only ever listened to that stupid little voice that made me the unhappiest person I’ve ever known? If I wasn’t making decisions for my own health and wellbeing, then it was clear that Ana was in the driver’s seat driving as if she had no regard for my life.
A year ago, I got my period back after losing it for nine months. Many women, including myself, get a bit more tired and hungrier than usual during PMS. I just remember fighting my body’s needs so I could refuse the nourishment my body deserved for working so hard. These was the nutrients I needed to keep me healthy and to bring my period back. I remember forcing my body to workout even though it was begging for rest.
Today, I sit here, writing this article and finishing up my strawberry YanYan. I ate everything, yes, even all of the cream. Before devouring my snack, I looked at the calories. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care. I do care, but today I decided to defeat Ana by telling her that I was going to eat it anyway.
I didn’t even exercise today, nope. I did something even better. I took my dog to the dog park and spent an entire hour laughing,smiling, talking to other dog owners, giving pats to the good doggos, and spending great quality time with my dog. I was able to do all this stuff because I provided my body with nourishment and fuel. Sometimes my mind may not like the decisions I make, but my own wellbeing and everything else that’s a part of me does.
The coolest part is that I am indeed PMSing right now. So after a year, all this work, all this willpower, time, and persistence has gotten me here.
Ana doesn’t have me in a chokehold anymore. She just holds my hand and whispers. Sometimes I’ll listen to those whispers, sometimes I don’t. In over a year, I was able to detach myself from my eating disorder, and learn to be kinder to myself. Seriously, if you’re looking for a sign to recover, this is it.
This isn’t a success story by the way, at least, not yet. I have physically recovered faster than I have mentally. Even though I look more vibrant and I appear to be more lively, my thoughts still suffer. They aren’t nearly as toxic as they were a year ago, but they’re still here. It hurts. It feels like thoughts I store in the back of my mind that never really go away. While I still have a ways to go, I feel like I have made real progress to being healthy. This is what means the most to me.