Not a friend, but also not an ex? Oh, we know that trope all too well.
A situationship can be defined as something more than a friendship but less than a relationship. It’s a middle ground where both parties may have felt something grand for one another, however the thought of becoming something more, sadly stayed in theory. Whether it all began from a flirty study session, random hookup, small get together, or even a work crush, they always end the same way.
From my personal account, situationships last a month or two, but can seemingly go on for longer. During this treacherous time, I am always filled with prolonged butterflies in my stomach due to every ‘what if’ scenario.
The ‘what if they make a move’ or ‘what if they ask me out’ questions constantly linger, causing a state of anxious mystery. Unfortunately, they can also turn into moments of doubt such as, ‘what if they dont like me’, ‘what if they are just bored’, or ‘what if I was wrong about this whole thing’, which are just as butterfly inducing as the positive possibilities.
With this, all the excitement causes my mood to be solely based on how they are currently making me feel. When they respond to texts fast enough or plan something to show that they care, I am on top of the world with my emotions, sometimes quite literally jumping for joy.
I start thinking of potential plans and daydreams before things are even official. I take note of the little things they compliment or laugh at to ensure that I can achieve it again. I pay attention to their schedule to see where our days can collide smoothly. I even make sure to learn their favorite songs or sports teams just in case the topic ever gets brought up.
A constant adrenaline rush is in hand when having a crush, so it causes you to see them and the world around you through rose-colored glasses. You paint them out to be far greater than they might actually be, which could be a little disappointing in the end. But for the time being, you are lighter on your feet, the coffee at work tastes better, and the air outside is a little more crisp!
Alas, everything is perfectly in place, until it’s not. The story starts to slip and so do the rose-colored glasses. I’m finally able to see through them and the trance is over.
I began to make sense of the stolen stares and mercurial highs. All the little lies and big excuses showed their truth every single time. And so the late text messages and missed calls eventually made sense. The incessant, “I just need a break for my mental health” line was used but the active social media icon was lit through the night. Ultimately, all the missing potholes got filled and the truth was unveiled.
This time it was the infamous ex coming back into the picture. I never got an explanation or an apology for what happened, just a ghosting and unfollowing. So with time, I had to make peace in my own closure with the entire situation.
In healing, I’d lie still in disbelief, replaying all our moments in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong. Then I would feel so angry about how they treated me, that I would plan petty revenge schemes with the support of friends encouraging my every thought. I even pondered reaching out to them but thankfully my conscience never allowed me to. I knew that I didn’t deserve to be the second choice, so I wasn’t going to be.
The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance ran their course and I completely allowed it to. I was aware that it wasn’t an official relationship, but I was still hurt over what it could have been. All the memories that were made and the soon-to-be’s. All the broken promises and the shattered glasses. How everything was red until it was blue. (Taylor’s Version)
Was it strange grieving a ‘love story’ that never had an actual title? Yes, but I did it anyway.
There was a beautiful beginning, melodramatic middle, and an instantaneous end.
It was a situationship heartbreak.
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