Everyone is always talking about breakups. Your favorite influencers have, without a doubt, posted their fair share of breakup storytimes. Or you’ve surely received various “guess who broke up?” messages from your besties.
How come no one ever talks about friendship breakups?
With iconic shows like “Friends” and “Sex and the City,” centered on the beauty of friendship, it takes a special bond to understand why. Even Carrie Bradshaw and Miranda Hobbes had their difficult moments.
Unlike romantic relationships, there is no guidebook to getting over a friend, which begs the question: How do you deal with the loss of a platonic partner?
We can approach a friendship breakup as we would any type of loss, using the Five Stages of Grief.
The first stage is denial. Friendship breakups often feel like wearing a scarlet letter. It can feel so shameful to lose a friend, as if you’re waving a giant red flag. You’re often replaying the situation, wondering whether you did something wrong.
The situation is especially sticky when you share mutual friends. You try your best not to make things awkward, to act as if nothing has changed, while your friend is stuck in the middle. Your friend is now the child in a divorce, and you’re a paranoid parent wondering who will eventually win the custody battle.
The next stage is anger, arguably the most satisfying stage. This is the part of a friendship breakup when you’re mad enough to let it all out. You find yourself spilling your feelings to anyone who will listen, don’t judge, we’ve all done it. It’s not because you wish to spread your business everywhere. You simply want to make sense out of the situation.
Next comes bargaining. This stage can look different for everyone. You may be bargaining for something as silly as “if they like my Instagram post, I’ll like theirs too,” or you may be bargaining for forgiveness.
The lingering question brings itself to the forefront of your mind: If they apologized, would I forgive them?
The most difficult stage is depression. The weight of this stage presents itself when you least realize. You’ll be doomscrolling when their post pops up unexpectedly. It’s like seeing a ghost. Not only a phantom of your friendship, but of the person you were during it.
Friendships are synonymous with our identities. When you lose a friend, you lose a part of yourself, too.
As you look at your ex-friend’s post, you’re reminded of the self that wouldn’t hesitate to hype them up in the comments. It’s painful to feel this shift. No matter the reason, there is nothing more heart-crushing than someone going from a person you would ride or die for to a person who shall not be named.
Lastly, acceptance. As you conduct this postmortem of your friendship, remind yourself of the good. You can mourn this relationship, but it is also vital to recognize the love in grief. To lose means to have loved.
Even if this platonic breakup is for the better, cherish the memories, and cherish the era of yourself that lived within them.
So, maybe we should start talking about friendship breakups. Grieve your relationship without shame. Afterall, if a friendship can define a life, it deserves to be mourned just as deeply. Even when people leave our lives, the ways in which they changed us never really do.
Have you ever experienced a friendship breakup? Let us know @HerCampusSJSU!