Relationships are hard. Everyone knows that, but it’s even harder when someone wants you to change.
Recently, I was put in a situation where I had to choose between what I believed in and who I was or give all that up to be with a guy I was falling for. This was my first time encountering a situation like this and I wasn’t sure what to say or think at that time. All I knew was: it was either choosing myself or him.
Now, for privacy reasons, let’s call this guy Ryan. He and I started off as friends but quickly became close since we went to the same restaurant frequently. We had mutual friends and everyone knew that I had a crush on him although I tried not to show it. I didn’t want him to know because I enjoyed our friendship and didn’t want to make things awkward between us or our friends. Eventually, I decided that it was finally time to tell him and just hope for the best.
Luckily, he told me that he was interested in me, but it was hard for him to like someone. While this wasn’t the exact answer I wanted or was hoping for, I thought it was a good start to a potential relationship.
As time moved forward, we started to hang out more. After food, he would wait by my car to hang out, and we would hang out on days we were free from our jobs. We were starting to hold hands, kiss and give each other more intimate hugs. While we were getting to know each other, he talked to me about his relationship with his family and his religious beliefs. He explained that those were very important to him, which I understood but never did I think he would try to convince me to change.
One day, we both went to the beach and his mom called unexpectedly and said that she needed him home immediately. We quickly drove back, and he told me that he wanted to introduce me to his mom.
At this point, we were in the talking stage which means we weren’t dating, but we knew our boundaries. However, once we got to his house, he introduced me to his family… as his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she was not too happy to see me. Ryan, his mother and I sat down together at the table, and she had explained to Ryan the one reason he wouldn’t be able to date me. I would later discover that it was religion.
After what felt like forever, he took me outside, and we talked about what she had said and what we were going to do moving forward. Our religions are very similar. We both believed in God and understood the Bible. However, his religion had more rules and regulations than mine did. For instance, I would not be able to wear pants, only long dresses and skirts, no piercing of any form, no tattoos, no makeup, no nails, and etc.
Now it may not seem like a lot to some people, but for me, these were the things that made me feel beautiful. I liked being able to wear what I want when I want. I loved being able to wear earrings and get my nails done with my girls, and I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore.
Once he explained everything thoroughly to me, I was speechless. I understood the position he was in, but I was so confused as to why I would have to change myself completely and not have him compromise anything for me. He was free to dress however he pleased and do whatever he wanted, but I was going to be held to a very high standard. Later, I told him I wanted a moment to think about everything and fully comprehend what just happened.
As time passed, I asked a few friends for advice, and they all had the same response. They had advised me not to change myself and to just remain friends with Ryan. They pointed out that it may not work out and that while he wants me to change for religious reasons, it’s not right that he wouldn’t be giving up anything or understand that I had my own beliefs.
In the end, I realized that I need to stay true to myself, and if he can’t accept that, it’s his loss. As much as I still cared about Ryan and wanted him to be happy, I just knew that I would not be able to give him the type of relationship he and his mom had hoped for.
My advice to those going through a similar situation: make sure to talk to someone you trust before you come to a conclusion on what you are going to do. Also, take into consideration that the things that make you who you are may be compromised. But if it’s worth it to you and you’re willing to give it up for your personal relationship then I wish you the best of luck!