We all know every time Valentine’s Day rolls around that it’s time to up the romance. We buy (way too big) teddy bears and boxes of chocolate. Aside from all of the gifts that make you want to treat yo’ selves more often, on Valentine’s Day we try to be a little kinder, a little more caring and loving. You designate special time to—if you’re like me and my S.O.—cuddle and eat a whole pizza.
But once the big day fades away into February 15th, do both of you forget about the gentler, more romantic vibes? It’s hard to always be super romantic; that is just not realistic. There are a few things you can do to feel the romance way more often than just on Valentine’s Day and other special occasions.
First, here is a definition of romance.
While there are countless ways to explain what it means to be romantic, it is important to create your own definition. My nutshell definition of romance involves being kind, loving, spontaneous, caring, and thoughtful to your partner. It includes spending quality time together, really talking and really listening. Romance means taking some of your time and energy and putting them both into your relationship in a positive way. For you, romance may mean something completely different. Like I said, it is good to figure out how you define it. It is also helpful to listen to how your partner defines romance and to communicate this to each other.
Your definition of romance may be related to how you give and receive love. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, most people express love in five different ways. Love is shown through words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and giving gifts. Love languages are ranked in order of importance. Dr. Chapman suggests that people usually receive love in the same way that they show love. So if you and your S.O. both prioritize quality time, then you may feel more romance because you’re both on the same page.
But there’s absolutely no need to worry if you have and your S.O. have different main love languages. The best thing for both of you to do is to try to show each other love in both partners’ love language sometimes. So if quality time is more important to your partner than it is to you, then you may want to block out a few hours for date night once a week (hopefully you’ll see your partner reciprocating in your love language). Overall, it’s important for you both to share what makes you feel loved, comfortable, and cared for so that nobody is left wondering what to do.
Beyond love languages, you can increase the romance in your relationship by giving each other some alone time. As counter-intuitive as this may sound, it actually works. Think of it this way; when I allow my boyfriend to have a night to himself to play video games and to rest, then he has more to give to our relationship because he is taking care of himself. So let yourself take an extra long shower while your partner gets an extra hour of sleep so that you can both bring more positive energy to your relationship.
Another way to help you two feel more connected is to have what I like to call “electronics-free time.” Now I’m not saying to turn off all the lights and unplug your microfridge; I mean sometimes it’s good when you put away or turn off anything with a screen when you are with your boyfriend or girlfriend. When you are alone with your significant other, not having your electronics nearby can really help you focus on your conversations. It can give you both an opportunity to grow closer by really paying attention to the little details that you may miss if you’re scrolling through Instagram. That means turning off your laptop, phone, tablet, and yes, even the TV. In fact, social psychologist and writer for Scientific American, Helen Lee Lin says that even having your phone in sight can be an issue because it makes whomever you’re with not want to bring up a serious topic out of fear that you’ll check your phone and not be paying attention. This makes sense when you think of the saying “out of sight, out of mind.” Putting away your phone is actually some pretty extreme advice though since, let’s be real; we are all way too obsessed with our phones. However, we can apply this in moderation by spending some of our meals and chill time with our partners with our phones out of sight.
All in all, each of us has different romantic relationships. Just keep in mind that you and your partner can do a few small things to make every day feel like Valentine’s Day!