An Open Letter to my Alcoholic “Father”
To the man that gave my mother his sperm:
I’ve written this letter a thousand times, and each time it comes out completely different. I write a few sentences explaining myself and trying to piece together what I want to say, but what I want to say never comes out the way I want it to. There is one thing, though, that I know for sure: you will NEVER hear me call you “family.”
Do you know what it’s like to explain who you are? Explaining why you’re not around? Why I won’t acknowledge your existence? If you didn’t want the responsibilities that come with having a child, why did you have me? Why did you have to let a substance control you?
I’ve heard many people say that you were a good person before I was born. Why did it change when I came into the picture? Did I do something wrong? Was I too much of a burden for you to handle? I never asked for this. Why didn’t you just leave us alone instead of torturing and punishing us? What did we ever do to you?
I have no fond memories of you. All I can remember is you, with a drink in your hand, pushing me and my mother around and saying inexcusable things that no child should ever hear. I was so young; why did you have to take out your demons on me? I’ve researched addictions and alcoholism countless times, and I have found that alcoholism is, and never will be, an excuse to abuse your “family.” It is not an excuse for your daughter to sleep with a hammer next to her bed, in fear for her life as a teenager. It is not an excuse for the police to be at your door in the middle of the night. It is not an excuse to hold your wife and daughter as hostages. It is not an excuse for three DUI’s, jail time, and constant unwanted phone calls from the county prison. There is a difference between being a good husband and a good father. Unfortunately, you were neither.
Even though my experiences with you were negative, they shaped the person that I am today. Thank you for making me a smarter and stronger kid, and forcing me to grow up quick. I now know what I should look for in a man, and to never let my demons get the best of me.
I can never change the fact that we will always be joined by genetics, but I do have control over my life and who I let in it. Because blood may be thicker than water, but is it thicker than the 100+ bottles of vodka that caused you to lose your daughter?