I like to think that the average person has their fair share of exes, and that having a small collection of past significant others is just a natural part of figuring out what you want from future relationships. And I stand by this statement. There is nothing wrong with going through relationships: short or long. But, my personal history of romantic relationships had gotten to a place where, if one of my friends asked whether I was still seeing “Insert Name of Any Past Boyfriend Here,” I would get embarrassed, answering with a smile and a “no.” I began promptly explaining how I was “bad” at relationships or how they “weren’t really my thing” to justify my relationships consistently ending after a few months from their start. Again, these statements were not necessarily false to me. I figured I would be good at a relationship the moment I found the right person for me. Then, suddenly, the right person came. And sure, this person did make being “good” at a relationship seem like a no-brainer. The tricky part comes when you try to stop being “bad” at relationships in general. Here are three steps to stop being “bad” at relationships so that you might actually let yourself be “good” at one relationship.
1. Dedicate time to all of your present relationships.
I am talking about every relationship in your life right now. Make a beach date with your best friend, call your mom for a chat, meet up with your sister for dinner. And make a habit of it. A romantic relationship is much like any relationship you have. Dedicating time to other relationships will act as a reminder of why you like spending time with the people you love. The discipline required to make this extra time will help keep you grounded. This will also give you a chance to remind yourself of the value that each person can have, keeping you from falling into the fatal trap of relying solely on your romantic relationship for every sense of social fulfillment. This fatal reliance causes romantic relationships to burn out.
2. Dedicate time to yourself.
I have a nasty habit of not believing people when these people say that they love me. Focusing on yourself and practicing small changes in your daily life like reading more, eating better, and meditating every now and then will work towards building your sense of self-worth. Independence is strength. You can be in a relationship and develop your sense of independence simultaneously. A relationship will only cause you to lose independence if you let it.
3. Practice decision-making.
Practice decision-making. So, yes I am that person who takes about twenty minutes to order food at a restaurant and then complains about the food taking too long the moment after I have placed the order. I admit this. Not being able to pick out what to eat should not be compared to picking out a significant other. These are two very different things. But, getting used to making decisions is a strong tool to have under your belt. Being able to voice an opinion in your class or deciding that you might actually start saving for that new car you want are things that seem very unrelated to a relationship. The logic is that pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is the first step. Maybe you always want to speak up during class but you simply don’t. Deciding to actually do it will help you develop a more active outlook towards your life. Suddenly you aren’t passively stating how you are “bad” at relationships, but instead you are actively making decisions about your relationship every day, even if that active decision is just to BE in the relationship.
The thing with saying “I’m just bad at relationships” is that it feels like an excuse. So whether or not you want to be in a relationship, deciding is what is important. Choose to be in a relationship, or choose to be single. I wish I could go back in time and tell my past self to not bother giving that excuse. No longer being “bad” at relationships will have value whether I am single or not. At no point should you have to measure yourself for what you are without.