Disclaimer: This listicle is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or (my) real life is purely coincidental.
Are you single on Valentine’s Day this year? Whether your relationship status is to your liking or not, it is probably safe to say that you will not find yourself in a serious relationship by Valentine’s. As a self-proclaimed expert on the “single life,” here are some things you may consider about Valentine’s Day:
1. Ignore it.
The horrific red and pink is everywhere, so it’s hard to miss; but it isn’t a real “holiday,” unless you make it one. There is no paid time off work or a day off from school, and to be honest, we don’t even know for sure who St. Valentine is exactly (yes, that is my argument and, yes, I am sticking to it).
2. Veg Out.
Why make a big deal? Watch Netflix and eat chocolate. Rom-coms are always equal parts horrible and amazing. So, you can either scoff and mock the lameness, or you can sigh and cry over the corniness you wish you could experience.
3. See a Movie.
You can sit in a dark theatre. You get your own armrests. You don’t have to talk or listen to people interrupting the movie. You wont be super conscious of every movement you or your date (aka you) will make. You don’t have to share your popcorn. ‘Nuff said.
4. Spread the love.
Remember in Elementary school when everyone would just buy thirty Valentine’s Day cards and then give them out to everyone? We were all so caring and kind and accepting of each other. What happened? Walk around campus or town and hand out Valentines to random people. One or more of them has to be single, too. No one deserves this:
5. Go Clubbing.
All of those couple who are always attached at the hip and hogging the dance floor will hopefully be out at a quiet and dignified dinner at some overpriced restaurant with too-small portions. So, now is your chance to dance to Spice Girls and Beyoncé. Why can’t this be you?
6. Throw a party.
Invite all your single buddies—or those who are in the awkward early stages of their “relationship” to be celebrating Valentine’s. Eat junk, order pizza, and get hella drunk.
7. Take advantage.
If you simply cannot escape the “holiday cheer,” then take advantage where you can. Spas and shops have Valentines specials, so why not pamper yourself, just for the heck of it! Capitalize on all those delicious cookies, treats, and chocolates. Or, you can attack the stores on February 15th and get those 50% off chocolates.
Warning: Valentine’s Day may cause nausea, heartburn, upset heart, anger, rage, hysteria, or boundless happiness. Use at your own risk.