For many people, it’s shocking to hear when a woman, especially a young woman of prime “birthing” age, says she doesn’t want children. Some react like you’ve committed treason. Although the pressure to have children lies in all childless people, women generally appear to receive the most stigma, due to being seen as nothing but baby-making factories (or to some people, at least.)
There are many good reasons why an increasingly large number of women are choosing to refrain from reproducing, though any reason is a good reason.
Here are some possible reasons why some women may not want to have children:
1. Moral concerns: they don’t want to bring a child into a world of cruelty.
2. Overpopulation.
3. Financial struggles: In some states, uncomplicated vaginal births can cost upwards of $30,000.
4. Restricted financial and personal freedoms.
5. They don’t have the necessary skills and/or resources to be a suitable parent.
6. They fear passing on harmful genetic conditions, or physically cannot reproduce due to a medical condition.
7. They have found life meaning through other channels.
8. They just don’t want to.
Despite this lengthy, but still far-from-incomplete list of legitimate reasons to not have kids, women who choose not to reproduce are still faced with much hostility and disagreement. This malice doesn’t just come from society, but also from those closest to us: our family, friends and even our significant other. It’s almost as if they assume that a woman’s sole value and purpose in life lies in her uterus (if she has one).
There’s some things people say to women who don’t want kids that kind of rub me the wrong way…
1. “You’ll change your mind.”
This statement is just condescending, in that it suggests she can’t make decisions concerning her own life. It invalidates her desires, which, as an adult, she is fully capable of knowing and communicating.
2. “You’re being selfish. Who’s going to give me grandchildren?”
Hey parents!: your daughter doesn’t exist for the sole purpose of giving you grandchildren. You decided to have children because you truly love them, not because you’d expect anything from them in return.
3. “That’s what we were put on earth to do: have children and love them. What else do you want from life if you don’t have that?”
If you say this to a woman, you’re assigning the role of motherhood to a person who is explicitly rejecting it. It makes motherhood out to be something you do because you have to, not because you genuinely want to.
4. “You better hurry up and give your partner a child before he finds someone who will.”
Wow, what a guilt-tripping partner I must have! Actually no, my partner and I will be on the same page about having children. And if they’re only with me for my ability to reproduce, then we they can find a uterus with legs elsewhere.
5. “But you would be such a great mom!”
Well, thank you, I’m flattered. I could be great at a lot of other things too, but that doesn’t mean I should pursue them. Especially if it’s something I. Do. Not. Want. To. Do!
6. “How can you ever hope to have a family?”
Family doesn’t have to be nuclear to be considered my family. My partners, my friends, my siblings, my nephews, my nieces, my pets: they’re all my family.
7. “You might regret it.”
I also might regret having kids.
8. “What are you waiting for?”
The actual desire to have children, I suppose? If that ever surfaces, anyway. But since it won’t, it’s illogical to wait for something I explicitly said I didn’t want in the first place.
9. “Your mom had you!”
Thanks for the biology lesson.
10. “You’re missing out on one of the best experiences of your life.”
I don’t think there’s a universal list of “the best things that could never happen to you!”. Fulfillment is completely subjective (obviously). You do you.
If you ultimately decide to have children, that’s wonderful. If you were once against having kids and you’ve changed your mind, that’s also amazing. The final message here is to not belittle those who choose to refrain from reproducing.