At fifteen, I remember walking down the hall. I was part of a mentorship program, hanging up signs with a few other girls. We’d passed a group of guys and their words still echo in my head about how my ass looked in my skirt. I didn’t wear any clothes that gave away the fact that I was a girl for a long time. No figure-hugging, no shirts cut lower than a t-shirt, no skinny jeans. I was barely more than a child and I was traumatized that the male gaze had found me.
Now each morning when I wake up, I handcraft the look that I am going for. My own style does not rely too heavily on any one aesthetic. For me, it is the thrill of deciding who I want to be that day. It’s like I can take control of at least one thing in my life. I’m able to take back my power and turn it into something good. I have the power to change how people perceive me.
Many may ask why I take so much time and effort into my clothes and appearance, seeing as I am not an overly superficial person by nature.
Part of it is a way of making myself feel better. When I put on cute clothes, I feel confident, and although I often put on a charade of being a happy and optimistic person the reality is that I am actually very sad and lonely. I have a problem connecting with other people. My social anxiety makes it hard for me to start conversations. But when someone compliments my outfits not only do I feel the ice is already pre-broken, but it also fills me with pride.
Sometimes I think it may be a bit narcissistic of me to be out here living for the compliments of strangers. But I want to be that fashion icon, the kind of girl who radiates girl-boss energy, the one that a younger me would have looked up to. And there are days when those compliments are what I need to hear. In the world of love languages, one of mine happens to be words of affirmation; it kind of makes sense that I would love the world affirming that I indeed do look cute.
In high school, I had a theater teacher that said dress like at any moment you might be approached for an interview or an improvisational show or something to that extent. In those days, I wore t-shirts several sizes too big for me under hoodies even larger than that, which was fine for me at the time; that was what I was most comfortable in. I tried to attract the least amount of attention in those days.
Now the stares of others fuel my fire. My confidence is something I create every day just for myself.