Confused: A Poem that Shows Growth

On May 9, 2018, I wrote this poem of sorts when I was with my ex-boyfriend. It’s clear to see in these words that I knew our relationship was toxic, but I was doing nothing to save myself. As I reflect on it now, I see growth and I am thankful I came to a sound realization. I hope no person ever has to feel the pain that I felt when I was writing this last year, and I hope you all can learn from it.

 

Confused

Why does it seem like the past is being repeated, in a sense?

I thought this sort of pain was long gone.

To scream and feel that agony that never leaves, its back.

Lord, I need you;

I’m here on my knees, what should I do?

We have come so far, I’m convinced this is it,

Except now, I’m not so sure.

Is it that I’m not lovable by human flesh?

Is it that I’m too abrasive?

Damnit, damnit, what’s wrong with me?

I love him God, I really, really do-

I know this is nothing like the last, but if that’s the case then why am I feeling a similar pain?

I try to push it away,

But it creeps back in my sleep, like a bad dream except,

I’m wide awake.

I search far and wide for an explanation because surely, this isn’t to happen again.

But time after time I’m left without an answer

Lord, I need you;

I want the happy times, all the time.

I want the coffee and eggs in bed times,

The walks along the lake times,

The messy hair and drunken times,

The I love you forever times.

In the midst of my sorrow I see hope still,

But unlike the last I know my worth.

He proves to me I’m worthy God, he proves to me my beauty.

But if all of this I tell you is true God,

Then why does he do this to me?