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Hick Hick Hurray! Say Goodbye to Your Hickeys Today!

“It’s a curling iron burn,” you mutter to your friends, as they loudly exclaim in the dining hall, “Ohemgee! What is that on your neck?!” They know what it is. You know what it is. Linda from the deli line knows what it is. And it won’t go away. There are only so many days you can wear a scarf to class–and God forbid, a turtleneck–especially if it is 85 degrees outside. So never fear ladies, here are some time tested and scientifically proven (I’m a political science major, it counts) ways to rid yourself of last weekend’s sins once and for all!

1. “The Ice Cold Spoon”

First, “borrow” a metal spoon from your dining hall. If you are anything like me, clean cutlery is simply not something to be found in your dorm room. Run it under cold water and put it in the freezer for 15-20 minutes. Place it on the desired location (hey, no judgement here) and hold it until the ice has melted. Repeat as needed. Depending on the damage it can take between two and sixteen times.

2. “The Coin of Shame”

Dig into your vending machine Diet Coke fund for a ridged coin. Wealthier readers may choose a quarter, but do not fret, a dime will suffice. Pull the skin tightly between your thumb and forefinger and firmly scrape the area. This will increase blood flow and eliminate bruising. The sooner you do this, the better. It may seem redder at first, but this will quickly dissipate, along with most of your hickey (but there is nothing to be said about the shame from the night before).

3. “The 8 out of 10 Dentists Recommend”

Use a toothbrush, preferableyof someone you hate, and lightly brush the area. Do not press too hard, as this can sometimes cause irritation. Wait 15 minutes, watch half of an episode of Parks and Rec (just a suggestion), and apply a cold washcloth. In about 30 minutes, you should be well on your way to that meeting with your advisor, hickey-free and ready to plan your future as a mature and responsible adult!

4. “The Created by Lobbyists at Crest”

Clearly those involved with the dental profession have a lot of knowledge about hickeys. If your dentist is a 65 year old Eastern European man like mine, definitely bring this up at your next appointment. For this method of treatment, apply a layer of mint toothpaste, rub it in and let it sit on the skin for about 5 minutes. When the tingly sensation stops, wipe off the toothpaste with a warm washcloth. Repeat this process 24 hours later. If your man is a vampire, you could just incorporate this process into your nightly routine for sunlight-filled and hickey-free days!

5. “Hot and Heavy”

For the more stubborn, longer lasting hickeys, heat is your best friend. Put a damp washcloth in the microwave for 15-20 seconds and hold it on until it has cooled. Repeat this 2 to 3 times.  Be warned: this method only works after a few days, applying heat too early will make the damage worse.

So go forth! Have fun and peace of mind knowing that your shameful scarf wearing days are over. With all of the money you will save on concealer, you might just reconsider grad school!

Larkin Parker is a sophomore politics major at Sewanee: The Univeristy of the South! Her favorite color is all the colors in the rainbow! Her favorite food is everything! When Larkin grows up she wants to be a veteraniarian, a ballerina, a unicorn and a political campaign manager! In her free time she likes to play dress up, make new dog friends and annoy the people around her in the library!
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