1. The 13,000 acre campus is so ugly. Seriously, there are no breathtaking sights to be seen anywhere.
2. And don’t even get me started on the buildings. They all look the same and they’re painfully boring, just like the buildings at Oxford and Hogwarts.
3. And the people. UGH. I can’t even walk from one place to another without running into at least three people who insist on saying hello to me, asking me how my day’s going, and wanting to catch up. Literally the people of Sewanee are so unfriendly.
4. The professors are so annoying. They insist on learning my name the first day of class, emailing or calling me when they know I’m sick to check on how I’m doing, and have me over to their houses sometimes for class. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
5. There are dogs everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Everyone knows that fluffy, kissy, loveable dogs are the absolute worst creatures on the planet and should be extinct. But Sewanee insists on keeping them around. Some of them even come to class with professors! The horror!
6. There aren’t even any bars or clubs. Isn’t that, like, the whole point of college? I mean these Sewanee freaks throw parties every weekend at frat houses that are open to everyone, usually packed, and hosted by bands or deejays. How lame.
7. Two words: walking. campus. I hear at other schools they have busses with GPS trackers so students can hitch a ride to different academic buildings. But noooo, Sewanee makes us walk everywhere so we have to interact with each other, enjoy the outdoors, and get exercise. Hey Sewanee, just because we can walk anywhere we need to go in 15 minutes or less doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least be provided with scooters or something.
8. The alumni network is so aggravating. There are thousands of Sewanee alums all over the country who are constantly bombarding current students with internships, job offers, advice, and connections. Like, I can so easily find employment in the highly competitive post-grad job market all by myself and without any help whatsoever, thank you very much.
9. It’s like nobody cares about safety around here. I’ve never locked my door, I always leave my laptop and all my books in the library while I’m away, and I can generally trust that people won’t steal from me. Sewanee kids take this whole “honor code” thing way too seriously.
10. I’m sorry, but WHAT THE HELL IS A “LURCH” ANYWAYS?
YSR you filthy heathens.