Over the summer, my mom was constantly telling me when I was too passive with my language. I had some issues getting a prescription in San Diego that I had prescribed in Seattle, and instead of being firm with how urgent it was that I get the medication, I let myself be transferred from office to office until I was told they couldn’t do it (which I knew was a lie because I had a prescription from San Diego transferred to Seattle with no problem). I was frustrated and asked my mom to help me, and she told me to try one more time, by myself, and not take no for an answer. So I did it. It was kind of terrifying to tell a doctor I had been blown off for two weeks and needed my medication, and when she once again told me she couldn’t help me, I called my doctor in Seattle and explained the situation. In less than twenty four hours, she did for me what my doctor in San Diego couldn’t do in two weeks.
Since then, I’ve been trying to be more aware of how I present myself. I don’t want to be a person others think they can push to the side with no consequences. As I reflected on this, I noticed how my peers would interact with others. Disappointingly, but not surprisingly, I noticed that it was always my feminine peers who would make themselves more passive. After a lot of reflection, I’ve come up with a list of words and phrases that I think womxn should eradicate from their vocabulary. It’s not that these words should be blacklisted―there’s a time and place to say these words, but that isn’t our everyday vocabulary.
- “Just/I was just”
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I “just-ed” my way through high school, and it wasn’t until my senior year that my creative writing teacher finally told me to stop it. I told her I was “just going to major in history,” and her response was something along the lines of, “Major in whatever you want, but make sure ‘just’ isn’t part of your future. Don’t settle.” Since then, I try really hard not to use “just” unless I absolutely have to. “Just” gives people wiggle room in whatever it is I’m asking of them. I’m not “just” checking in to see if you’ve gotten the chance to do your part of our project, I’m telling you it’s due tomorrow and you haven’t done anything, and you need to get on it.
- “Um/uh”
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There’s a girl in my English class who I respect and admire a lot. She isn’t afraid to admit when she doesn’t know what a word means or who an author is, and she always has really good things to add to the class discussion. She, like many others, starts every sentence with, “um.” Even when she’s blowing us away with whatever she’s saying, she hesitates in her words by starting with “um.” I did this for years. It really wasn’t until last year, in my ethics class, that I made an effort to not start my questions/sentences with “um.” Last spring quarter, two of my very good friends told me they were intimidated by me because I seemed so confident and secure in my thoughts and opinions. I was saying the same things I always had, but I had stopped saying “um” before I said them. It made all the difference.
- “Oh, sorry”
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A while ago, I saw this post on Tumblr that encouraged womxn to not move out of the way as soon as we see a man walking our way. I hadn’t even realized that I was doing this, but as soon as I saw the post, I stopped. It’s amazing how many men will think that you’re going to move out of their way, even if they’re the ones in your way. I’ve been with a group of guys who called a girl a bitch because she didn’t get out of our way, even though we were the group taking up the entire walkway. Typically, if someone bumps into us, we feel the need to say, “oh, sorry,” even if they’re the ones who ran into us. Stop apologizing for taking up space! You were there, and you have a right to be there. If someone runs into you, let them be the one to apologize to you.
- “That’s/it’s okay”
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There’s a beautiful and hilarious poem by Sarah Kay called “Table Games.” In it, she describes how her ex told her that he had cheated on her, and while he cried to try to gain sympathy, she said, “It’s okay, which was the opposite of what [she] meant.” I’m not citing her to call her out, because we have (probably) all been guilty of this at some point. I’m citing her to say that even though she pictured destroying the Whole Foods they were in out of anger, she comforted the person who broke her heart and told him it’s okay. It’s not okay, and you’re allowed to say that.
- “It’s no/not a big deal”
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I literally sent my professor an email last winter quarter telling him. “It’s not a big deal, but my name is Alexandra, and you’ve been saying Alexandria all quarter.” My name. A core part of my identity and self, and I told him that it isn’t a big deal that he had been getting it wrong all quarter. So, here’s the thing. In person, he got it right (he also didn’t say my name that often because our class was discussion based and we never raised our hands). I love this professor and we developed a really good relationship in class. We could gently (appropriately) tease each other, and he was really honest in giving me feedback about my creative writing. But every email I got from him started with “Alexandria,” and every time I read it I felt like our relationship wasn’t as good as I thought it was. After all, how much can someone really care about me if they haven’t even bothered to learn my name? I wish I had said something the first time he called me the wrong name. I think fondly of that professor, but misnaming me all quarter is still one of the first things that comes up when I remember him.
- “Don’t (even) worry about it”
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Similarly, there’s a girl in my English class who I think is brilliant. Unfortunately, I’m horrible with names, and I’ve been getting her name wrong all quarter. It’s only three weeks in, bit still. Last class, I apologized to her and promised that I would remember it from here on out. I repeated her name in my head over and over again to make sure I don’t forget it. But when I told her I wouldn’t forget it again, she told me, “Don’t even worry about it, just push it out of your mind. You can call me whatever you want.” And I’ve been there (obviously, see above), but it broke my heart to hear her say that. Our names matter. We should act like it.
- Saying nothing at all
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I have a bad habit of smiling awkwardly instead of telling someone when they’re making me uncomfortable. Last year, a man told me I would be prettier if I smiled, and I glared at him instead of telling him to fuck off. He yelled at me for two blocks about how I’m an ungrateful bitch, but I just kept on walking. He didn’t follow me, and I recognize that the situation could have been different if I had actually said something, but I think about this situation a lot, and I wish I had verbally stood up for myself.
While doing my best to take these phrases out of my vocabulary, there are some phrases I’m trying to incorporate. They’re not easy to say, but with practice I’ve found that some of them are getting easier. They are:
1. No.
2. That’s not funny.
3. That makes me uncomfortable.
4. I already know that.
5. I just said that. (Yay for using “just” in a way that doesn’t minimize your presence!)
6. You’re making me uncomfortable.
7. I don’t like the way you talk to/are talking to me.
8. You don’t need to be that close to me.
9. You owe me an apology.
10. You interrupted me. I wasn’t done talking.
Go forth and take up space in the world. We deserve to be here, to feel comfortable here, and to be acknowledged.