Admitting to using Tinder always carries this negative context. It probably comes from the idea that Tinder is exclusively for finding your next hookup, but when you figure out how to navigate the waters of shirtless guys and dog pictures, Tinder can be a really useful social tool.
I’ve been using Tinder on and off for the last two and half years. At first it did feel a little overwhelming: the power to judge people without them knowing, getting horrible pickup lines, seeing just how many people were within a ten-mile radius of you. But after I figured out some key points, I had a lot of success. I have had three really successful relationships with guys I matched with on Tinder and I have managed to make a handful of really incredible friends along the way.
So to give you a chance at the same experience I’ve had, here are some tips to navigating the scary waters of Tinder.
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Being Judgmental Isn’t Always a Bad Thing
A lot of people feel bad when they feel like they’re judging people. In fact, that’s sometimes why people get rid of Tinder. But understanding why we judge in the first place helps to relieve some of that burden. I highly recommend being judgmental. Sure, have an open mind as you come across various people, but remember that if something feels off or makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to jump ship. You don’t have to give everyone a chance. You wouldn’t have given every single person a chance in the real world, why should that change online? The beautiful part about technology is that you can say no without fearing some kind of violent retaliation. The second piece to judgement, especially with a dating app, is that while we form relationships and connections off of who we are as people, our personalities, and our characters, there is also an element of attraction. Not being attracted to someone is a perfectly valid reason not to want to enter a romantic relationship with them.
My process? I typically try to spend an initial 3 count on each profile to gauge if I’m attracted or not. If I am, I continue to look at their profile to see if I would want to get to know this person more, or if they seem like someone I wouldn’t be too compatible with. It’s not a matter of me being better than them, it’s a matter of us likely not connecting too well in future conversations.
2. Figure Out Why You’re Here In the First Place
I said before that aside from relationships, I have also made really solid friendships through my matches on Tinder. Something I found out really early on was that you can avoid a lot of games and ambiguity if you can figure out why people are there. The first thing, however, is to figure out why you are on Tinder. Are you looking to go on some dates? Are you just trying to make friends? Is it going to depend on who you match with? Once you sort of know what you’re doing on Tinder, ask that person you matched with. Maybe after your hello’s, ask, “So what are you looking for?” or “Why are you on Tinder?” Every single time, I have gotten a really straightforward answer that helped save me a lot of trouble. If a guy was just there for hookups, I could politely tell him that I was looking for something else and we’d part ways, no hard feelings. You can focus your energy elsewhere so you don’t drain yourself focusing on so many different people.
3. Don’t Let a Conversation Fall Short
Don’t be afraid to message the person first. Showing initiative impresses people and kills the “who cares less” game early on. More than that, though, come prepared with an interesting question, whether based off of their profile or in context of something you want to know. Want to know if he’s a feminist? Ask him about the Time’s Up movement. Want to know their political views? Ask how they feel about Trump. It grants you a view into the way they think and what kind of person they might be. Now, if after some time you find that the conversation just can’t last for very long, don’t worry. Some things just aren’t meant to be. (And Tinder doesn’t do read receipts).
4. Take It Outside
Sure, you started the conversation on Tinder. But if you form the basis of the whole potential relationship on the app, then moving it to the *real world* is going to become more difficult the longer you wait. My advice? Try to meet up within that week. Is it scary? At first, sure. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It also makes it feel less like technology is so involved in the process.
5. Setting Up Your Profile
Pictures: We’ve all seen the shirtless pictures guys put on their profile to let you know that they go to the gym. Often times they aren’t horrible to look at, but I never feel like I should swipe right. There’s an air of vanity that almost warns me that a lot of the conversation or focus is going to be on appearances–and I know that’s presumptuous of me, but that’s the message I get when I see those pictures. You wouldn’t strip down in front of a person to say, “Hey, look at this,” so don’t be that person. The best pictures to use are ones where you’re smiling, in your comfortable kind of environment, and doing the things you love. The feedback I’ve gotten from my male friends who use Tinder is that group photos are too confusing and just-body photos are a bit difficult to work with. What they care about is who YOU are and getting familiar with what you look like. So show off that pretty face and radiant smile!
Bio: Ah yes, the greatest struggle—how to fit your life story into 500 characters? Don’t. If you lay out your whole story in your bio, people have nothing to ask you. List a handful of your hobbies/passions, throw in some hints at your humor, hint at some crazy adventure you went on, maybe ask the public a question, and state why you’re here. What I get are conversations about the struggles of college and paying tuition, new music suggestions, and people who are upfront about what they want because I am, too.
Ultimately, your profile is up to you to express yourself however you’d like!
Tinder doesn’t have to be a scary experience, or one that makes you groan. If you keep your swiping to maybe an hour max during daylight hours, you’re likelihood of finding quality people increases and you won’t feed into loneliness. Use it how you’d like and revel in the experience of social interaction and discovery!