Name: Ian “Ianderthal The Marsupial” Schuler
Birthday/ Astrological Sign: October 30, 1992 / Scorpio
Hometown: Pasadena, CA
Year: Seniority
Major: Visual Art
Job: I vacuum mats and drive forklifts for 8+ hours a day under the hot sun with my shirt off in the summer. In Seattle, I am a UREC Intramural Manager.
Relationship status: “I got a woman, way over town, that’s good to me”
Name: Thomas Vomit Palu
Birthday/ Astrological Sign: April 14, Aries
Hometown: Millbrae, CA
Year: Senior
Major: English/Spanish
Job: Nighthawk
Relationship status: Sorry
Post-grad plans/ goals:
-Ian: Hitchhike to Chi-Town for the last Grateful Dead show EVER before the “Fare Thee Well” forever. Then, I plan to work on a boat at sea for a year or two and eventually land myself in a nice, humble house boat in the swamp.
-Thomas: For the time being my only plan is to hitchhike to the last Grateful Dead show ever in July, but after that it’d be cool to work on undermining the patriarchal white supremacist narratives that support late capitalist imperialism. Or, y’know, move to a swamp and write poetry until I die.
What are you involved with on and off campus?
-Ian: I participate in the Yours In Art shows every so often, but off campus I really just go to a lot of concerts and continue rambling on. Dance boatmen dance!
-Thomas: I work at the Nighthawk Office and make minor editorial contributions to the literary magazine. Off campus, I spend most of my time walking to and from home.
Likes:
-Ian: I enjoy soul bangers, blues, jazz, bluegrass, hip hop, magicians, spaghetti, sports, mystical animals such as the Kracken and a Griffin and Leprechauns, dancing like a Chernobyl child at a concert, juice, laughing, funk, eating out, talking to random strangers, Halloween, camping, Avatar the Last Airbender, pirates, if you don’t like whiskey, you’re wrong, The Alchemist, music festivals, gypsies, legos, nature, backflips, beauty, butterfly knives, and pie – especially pie.
-Thomas: Semiotics, sincerity, compassion, books, nature, hip-hop, blues guitar, funk, psychedelia and psych-funk, bluegrass, vaporwave, sample-based music in general, chimichangas, the human body, that little dance that Diddy does in the “Flava in ya ear” video that seems like a move that Alfonso Ribiero would do, weaponized comedy, aquatic invertebrates, and pop tarts.
Dislikes:
-Ian: Waiting in lines, people that hurt others, Deep House and screamo music, and slow computers.
-Thomas: Elitism, mass culture, culture vultures, vulture sculptures, pulp, stubbed toes, flashmobs, milk, peak oil, feeling entrapped by my corporeal form, people who act like they’re entitled to anything at all, memes and mimes, but especially memes about mimes.
If you had two plane tickets to anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you take?
-Ian: I’d take my girlfriend wherever she wants to go. Which would probably be Italy. I just want to see the world, doesn’t matter where I start.
-Thomas: I’d take your mom to Poundtown *a crowd of bros “oooooh’s” into the void. The void “oooooh’s” back.*
What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
-Ian: Everything I do is spontaneous, really. If I feel it, then I do it. I trust my gut on everything.
-Thomas: Probably best if I don’t say. (Hint: I murdered someone)
Describe a perfect day.
-Ian: Get abducted by aliens and learn the secrets of the universe while getting funky on some James Brown.
-Thomas: Probably Jurassic Park? I dunno. Maybe just watching Jurassic Park? Chasing perfection is a surefire way to end up disappointed, that much I know.
If you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?
-Ian: If there’s a rambling in the rambler let him go! You end up a hippie after all. I know, weird right!? Everything makes sense. Enjoy what you like because it’s there for you to form an opinion on and what makes the person you become. Don’t be afraid to show it because that’s what will make you stand out as the unique person you are.
-Thomas: Change is the fundamental character of the universe, aspiring to stasis is pure foolishness. Chasing perfection is a surefire way to end up disappointed. If you speak in esoteric koans, people will tend to believe you.
Read about the other men of East Fir, Case and Zac, in this Campus Cutie article.