Did you know 35.6% of women and 28.5% of men in the United States have experienced domestic violence? Did you know 1 in 5 women and 1 in 50 men will experience sexual assault in their lifetime? Did you know the risk for experiencing sexual violence goes up if you’re a woman or if you’re gender non-conforming? That only about 11% of rapes on college campuses are reported? (Culture of Respect) How high would these numbers rise if all incidents were reported?
These are scary statistics. This is a scary time. We live in a culture where survivors will speak up about their experiences and be accused of lying. We live in a culture where assaulters can become president and Supreme Court justices. This is a frustrating time. And with so much new information coming at us everyday, the unfortunate truth is it’s easy to shut down. It’s easy to want to ignore what’s happening. Changing a culture is a big task. Fortunately, people are fighting back everyday. No one person has to do everything, but every single one of us has to do something. So where to start?
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Knowing this, I wanted to take a look at a common thing we hear that can be incredibly detrimental to someone in an abusive relationship. The internet has created a culture where “relationship goals” is showered on couples who post on social media and are doing anything remotely couple-y. But let’s think about it: only the good goes on social media. There’s a lot of layers to unpack in that, but let’s focus on how it could make someone in an abusive relationship feel. If someone is constantly being told by their friends that their relationship is perfect, that they’re “relationship goals,” that individual could become less willing to share with their friends the bad sides of the relationship. If someone is in an abusive relationship, this could very quickly isolate them.
Similarly, if from the start of a relationship you’re being told how adorable your relationship is, warning signs can be easier to ignore. Your friends don’t have the whole picture, and no matter how much you tell them, they’ll never have the whole picture. Trusting your gut is an incredibly important part of being in a relationship. If something feels off, talk to your partner. If you feel like you can’t talk to them, recognize that is a red flag and evaluate what it is making you uncomfortable. If it doesn’t stop, talk to your friends, parents, roommate―someone you trust. If you or anyone you know finds themselves in an abusive relationship, make sure a support system is involved. Abusive relationships are complicated, and it can take a lot of courage for someone to reach out for help. If someone reaches out to you, listen. Believe them.
This is not to say that you can’t tell your friends you adore their relationship. Couples are cute, and it’s okay to tell your friends that you think the relationship they’re in is cute. But, rather than stopping at that, make it a dialogue. “You’ve been together for a couple months, how do you feel about them?” “How does (insert action partner does here) make you feel?” The relationship could be incredibly healthy, which could lead to answers like “I love them! Everything is going great,” or “I love when they do (whatever thing partner does here),” possibly followed by a cute, sappy story. That’s fine. That’s great. The point of this is not to assume all the relationships around you are abusive, the point is to give those who are in abusive relationships a safe way to talk about it. It’s a dialogue that’s unfortunately fairly often forgotten and a pretty easy thing to change. Let your friends know you support them, not just their relationship.
The best way to be a support system is to educate yourself. Know that abuse can show itself in different ways―sexual, mental/emotional, and physical abuse are all abuse and can be incredibly traumatic for an individual. Some college campuses (including Seattle University!) put on Green Dot trainings. These trainings teach you how to be an active bystander―if you see something, do something. If you’re an SU student interested in learning more about this, stop by Student Center 380 and talk to a HAWC member about the trainings and other ways you can become active on campus. Another way to become more educated is to look at the One Love Foundation. This foundation was created after Yeardley Love was killed by her ex-boyfriend in 2010. The foundation works to bring awareness to domestic violence and to stop it from continuing to happen. Knowing the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship can save lives. No one person has to do everything, but everyone has to do something. Educate yourself so you can educate others. Together, we can change the culture.