As I walked down the street with a brand new pair of Jimmy Choos on my feet and a man’s number stuffed in my back pocket I wondered: in a place like Manhattan, is casual dating ever really casual? And, if so, are women really empowered by it? OR (more likely) is it just another way men put us in our place?
Perhaps in a deranged attempt to cope, I’ve started locating my problems in an upscale brunch spot somewhere in the Upper East Side. Seated beside me are Charlotte, Miranda, and Samatha. We talk about men and other unimportant details of our lives. In case you’ve missed the reference, I’ve been watching Sex and the City with my roommates. And it hits pretty close to home.
Something that probably hasn’t changed in the years since Sex and the City graced the small screen is the dreaded concept of “casual dating.” Sometimes, when I’m scrolling mindlessly through Tinder––dodging horny 3 AM texts or corny pick-up lines––I can’t help but wonder what Carrie Bradshaw would have to say about the world I live in.
First, I think it’s important to do something that is rarely done in the real world: define “casual dating.” To me, “casual dating” implies more than a one-night stand but certainly less than a relationship. Depending on the agreement, you are technically single and free to behave accordingly. Really, the only thing that changes is that you’ve got a name saved on your phone for when you’re bored and lonely on a Friday night.
In theory, casual dating sounds like a dream. No commitment, no drama–it’s easy! Unfortunately, where there is dating, there is also a world of gender politics.
Despite living in the 21st century, dating is still dictated by a set of rules conceived hundreds of years ago by stuffy old men who viewed women as silent sexual beings. Growing up, girls are expected to crush, date, and have sex within the confines of norms that don’t suit our needs. Rather than helping us develop communication skills and assert our wants and needs, girls are discouraged from taking charge of their own romantic lives.
Whether we want to believe it or not, modern dating still revolves around the ultimate goal of getting married. As teenagers, instead of pushing toward exploration and self-discovery, we are told to desperately search for that one person who will make us whole. Or simply to abstain altogether.
From where I stand––as a 20-year-old woman facing down her last year of college from the confines of her bedroom––dating for marriage simply doesn’t make sense. I barely have a hold on my own mental health, let alone enough time to figure somebody else out. Casual dating allows me to have fun and get to know somebody without the pressure of long-term commitment.
However, in a society that doesn’t want sexually confident women, it is virtually impossible to navigate this world without diving in headfirst.
Women are sent into the battlefield with no armor or weapons to defend ourselves. We are taught that the only healthy relationship is one that is headed toward marriage––anything less and we are being manipulated.
Casual dating has the power to be incredibly fun and liberating, but that doesn’t come without work. Boundaries and clear, honest communication are absolutely essential. While we drive home the point that long-term commitment is the “goal” (and why do we need a goal, other than having fun, anyway?), we miss out on valuable opportunities to learn about consent.
If we trace back the roots of these archaic dating rules, we arrive at a very familiar place: the patriarchy. While marriage is so deeply ingrained in society it feels natural, it derives from a place of property and ownership––some truly unromantic shit.
The first recorded marriage was all the way back in the ages of hunter-gathers, but don’t be fooled–this wasn’t some romantic beachside wedding with vows and rings. In fact, it was all about “binding” a woman to a man to ensure that the man’s lineage was secured. According to an article by The Week, “in the betrothal ceremony of ancient Greece, a father would hand over his daughter with these words: I pledge my daughter for the purpose of producing legitimate offspring.”
This isn’t to say that marriage is bad, or even that it isn’t something to strive for. And if you’ve found that one special person, that’s great! This is all to say that the ultimate goal of a relationship shouldn’t be marriage, it should be mutual respect and love.
Think about it: even the most marriage-minded person could benefit from a healthy conversation. We need to change our mindset. Women (or anyone, really) don’t need to learn how to be better wives, we need to learn how to advocate for ourselves. This means setting boundaries, healthy communication, and what functional relationships look like outside the institution of marriage.
In my own life, I can’t help but think about how much easier dating would be if I had these skills. If I could advocate for myself, my time, my safety, even. If rejecting sex didn’t feel almost dangerous. If conversations about STIs didn’t feel impolite and taboo. If relationships could be about discovering myself and connecting to others without the looming fear of loss or rejection.
Now, as I click on to the next episode of Sex and the City, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw and I might not see eye-to-eye after all. She makes the same mistakes over and over again in pursuit of marriage, and I find myself screaming at the screen for her to set the same boundaries I struggle to communicate in real life. More than 20 years have passed since the show’s first premiere, but until we radically alter the way we see relationships, we will continue to struggle with these same old problems.