Whether it’s in a movie, TV show, novel, or run of the mill celebrity gossip, we’re all familiar with the trope of the homewrecker: a wanton woman who breaks up an existing relationship for her own selfish desires. She is scorned and ostracized whether she succeeds or not because the attempt is disrespectful enough. Women are encouraged to hide their men from her to avoid him being stolen right from under them.
The internet’s most recent homewrecker is pop singer Ariana Grande, who allegedly started a relationship with her “Wicked” co-star Ethan Slater just after separating from her husband. Slater’s soon-to-be ex-wife was, understandably, less than thrilled when hearing about the news just like the rest of the internet. Grande received an influx of social media hate, all calling her a homewrecker for ruining a marriage, but there was little to no backlash for Ethan Slater.
The problem with the term “homewrecker” is that the woman is always at fault in the situation and the man rarely, and almost never, is given the same criticism. A woman can “steal a man” away from someone but it’s never acknowledged that the man chose to leave. The accountability falls on one person every single time this narrative unfolds, even though there were two people who made this situation a reality. Instead of blaming the woman for taking the man away, it should be asked why the man wasn’t more faithful in his existing relationship and didn’t resist temptation or end the previous relationship before entering a new one. The “stolen” men are more than capable of making conscious decisions, and allowing themselves to be “stolen” is a choice they have made willingly. The men are not the victims in these situations and shouldn’t be treated as such.
Furthermore, men are typically omitted from the conversation altogether, and are more treated as an object or trophy that women should compete to keep. They are completely absolved of all responsibility and are treated more as a prize that the homewrecker and the homewrecked must now try to fight for. Centering a man who was complicit in betrayal is counterproductive and unjustified.
This is not to say that consciously breaking up relationships is okay. The world may never know the details of the Grande-Slater situation, such as who pursued who first and the specific dates of separations and divorce filings, but if there is going to be backlash, it needs to be equal. It’s time for men to be held accountable for their actions in the same way that women are. There can’t be one person at fault when there are two people in a relationship. If the term “homewrecker” is going to be thrown around, it needs to be used accurately to eliminate misogyny.