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Think With Your Wallet, Not With Your Heart

Are you tired of late-night booty calls? Competing for attention on a Snapchat roster? Meaningless hookups?


it's always sunny be gone vile man
FXX / Giphy


Are you agitated about investing your time, energy, and emotions into the basic “Brad” with no manners, a backward baseball cap, khakis shorts, and nicotine addiction? Now is the time for you to take charge of your future and drop that boy for a man — and girl, do I know just the man for you.  

I know a guy who likes to take things slow. He wants to grow old with you and is ready to offer you a steady, committed and safe relationship. Let me introduce you to (*drumroll please*): Mr. Roth IRA.  

Mr. Roth IRA is the ultimate sugar daddy, allowing you to transform $20,000 into more than $500,000 tax-free by your retirement. And I know what you’re thinking…retirement?! I have barely touched my twenties!! But girl, no matter what you think, the primary driver of investment returns is time.


dollar bills
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon from Unsplash


Mr. Roth IRA is not going to stand you up. He is dependable, on time, and ready to WOW your bank account. What you put into your relationship with Mr. Roth IRA, you will get out of…plus interest. The more time you have, the more prominent the compounding impact has on your future. So why chase the bag when you can be the bag. 

The only commitment Mr. Roth IRA needs from you is to acquire an earned income. Such income can come from a part-time summer job. You can contribute up to $6,000 of that earned income into a Roth IRA, and once it’s in the Roth IRA, it grows tax-free forever.

Still need convincing?! Let’s look at the benefits of starting a Roth IRA in college: 

Suppose you fund $5,000 into a Roth IRA for each of the four years you are in college. The total contribution would be $20,000. Think about that money growing at 7.5 percent a year until age 65. That $20,000 would grow to more than $530,000 — all tax-free. If that money grew at 8.5 percent, it would soon be worth over $820,000.

Regardless of how fast your relationship with Mr. Roth IRA is developing, the key is to play the waiting game: keep him hungry!! 

While you can’t guarantee future returns, Mr. Roth IRA will never leave you for the girl next door. Your returns will probably be somewhere between five and 10 percent over the next 45 years. The opportunities to *in Tom and Donna’s voice from parks and rec* “TREAT YO SELF” are endless with a Roth IRA. That saved money can go into a first-time home purchase, qualified education expenses, future birth or adoptions of children, unreimbursed medical expenses, or health insurance if you’re unemployed. 


Putting money in a piggy bank
Photo by Damir Spanic from Unsplash


Now I understand it’s challenging to motivate yourself to scrape up any money to save for retirement when you’re young and still in school. But, if you can, you should. Committing to Mr. Roth IRA is one of the most beneficial relationships that can help your financial stability in the future. 

We women still don’t make the same pay grade as our male counterparts…for now. So, we need to make sound investments to break the financial glass ceiling. My mother’s best relationship advice is to always go into a relationship out of want and not need. Personally, for me, the only man a woman can count on 100% is our Lord (but who knows, maybe God is a woman).

Natalie is a freshman at Santa Clara University majoring in political science. She is an avid skier, devout A's fan, adrenaline junky, and bee enthusiast who loves to bake and spend time with her family. Her catchphrase is: It's silly not to send it.
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