So since you all seemed to like our first article about how insightful (pathologically f*cked up) the female brain is and just how …interesting… (simple, easy to understand, right) the male brain is, we figured we would do another one. Get ready Broncos, with spring quarter upon us here are our thoughts about everything Claradise from darties (I f*cking hate that word) to finals (and did I mention baseball pants? Score.)
1. Entering a Darty:
Male thoughts: A few (or 7) games of beer die deep, and I am ready to roll. Wow, I f*cking love day drinking. Damn, the squad looks good. *Enters party* Holy sh*t, I love college. Bikinis and booze everywhere. I could die now. Oh god, what is that? Is that the pool? I thought that was a backed up drainage tub or something. Why are people willingly playing in that grey water? I need to drink more. Warm Vitali? Don’t mind if I do. No chase? Fine, I can’t feel my face anyways. I LOVE COLLEGE AGGGGGHHHHHH *fade to black. Wakes up in bed at 9 pm* Where am I? Whose shorts are these? F*ck it, let’s party.
Female thoughts: Good god why did my friends convince me to come to this. I know I’m drunk and this is supposed to be fun but why are people playing in that disgusting pool? Oh good, now there’s more people in it. Is it too late to leave? It’s hot & there are so many people. Okay, please remove your hand from my back now it’s been there for far too long. Jungle juice? Screw it, might as well go hard.
2. Beer Die:
M: See here’s the thing not many people understand about beer die. It is both a competitive and a social sport. Think golf. There’s no running clock, you’re surrounded by your buds, and you’re drinking insane amounts of trash beer. It’s a gentleman’s game. No one throws without knowing both opponents are ready so you can rest assured you won’t be the subject of a sneak throw when you’re chatting with other players. That being said, arguably the most hyped I’ve ever been was during a close beer die game. I lost my f*cking mind. This balance is why it is the perfect game and can be played for hours on end.
F: Tbh the only thing I know about “die” is that my guy friends are obsessed with it even though they always end up sunburned and drunk (you know who you are).
3. Sundresses:
M: Marry me? OR ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass
F: Thank the frickin’ lord for sundresses. Seriously, whoever thought “you know what, you don’t have to match a shirt and pants today!” is my savior. I have a hardcore obsession with sundresses. Also, people always tend to think you’re dressing up for something. But let’s be real, you and I both know you didn’t have the effort to match two pieces of clothing this morning. Besides, pants are overrated.
4. Walking into the Bronco royally f*cked up at 4 p.m.:
M: Okay, play it cool. No one knows you’re blasted. Oh sh*t, am I not wearing a shirt or shoes? F*ck it, I’m already here. I need buffalo chicken tenders in my body right now. I’ll Tapingo so I don’t have to talk to another real person. Damn, everyone looks so sober and I am way not. Walk in a straight line dammit! I just want my food. Oh yeah here it is! This is the single greatest piece of food I have ever had in my entire life. Time to slip deep into a food coma that only scary amounts of beer and chicken fingers can induce. Goodbye world.
F: God I hate weekend Benson. Seriously where the hell are the curly fries & mozzi sticks when I need them? I wonder if anyone here knows I’m drunk…Nah, I’m doing a really good job at hiding it *as a I stumble over a crumb on the floor* I just want my food already. I’m starving. BAE (Tapingo) texted me my food is ready & it’s not here. Are you freaking kidding me. YAAAS I think that’s mine. Jk everyone, it’s not. WTF. Literally bless the unfortunate sober soul who walked me here. You da real MVP. What? My chicken tenders are ready? Ugh ily a milli, Benson.
5. Chubbies:
M: I like chubbies. I feel weird when shorts touch my knees. I feel like my range of motion is restricted and you never know when you’re going to have to be suddenly athletic. Plus, I’m kind of a short guy, so I feel like Chubbies give me the illusion of having longer legs. That being said, when I meet a guy and he is wearing Chubbies, I immediately think he’s a douche. Crazy double standard.
F: I genuinely wonder if guys think Chubbies look good. I’m sorry but I just really don’t understand the whole “sky’s out, thighs out” mantra. Can you just put on a normal pair of shorts please?
6. At a baseball game:
M: F*ck I love baseball games. Some seeds, some sun, and an unlimited amount of heckling. It’s the only sport where I can lounge, listen to old, out of shape white dudes sh*t all over the near flawless swing of a D1 athlete, and verbally assault the opposing team members when they’re at bat. Damn, I should have kept playing. Maybe I can walk on… Who are we kidding, I could never walk on. I constantly look like a 20-weeks pregnant androgynous yeti creature.
F: Yaas it’s spring quarter, which means baseball is back. Can we please take a moment to appreciate what a good-looking baseball team we have? So #GoBroncos. And damn, those baseball pants? Yeah let’s be real & acknowledge that’s why we’re all here, not because one of those Ruff Rider emails convinced us to go.
7. Bay to Breakers:
M: Wake up hammered and keep drinking for no reason? Is this heaven? Sign me up. Bay to Breakers is the most fun you’ll never want to have again. Last year I’m pretty sure someone on the bus next to me was having sex on the way there. We met some SCU alums around mile 2 that made us slap the bag (#GoBroncos), went to some random house party and got free beer, quit to get burritos at mile 3, and fell asleep all by 1 pm. What a day.
F: While I personally haven’t taken part in this famous SCU tradition, it does seem fun. Except for getting up at three in the morning. And then getting sh*tfaced. And then having to endure a long ass Caltrain ride up to the city. And then walking all day. Oh who am I kidding, that sounds terrible. But will I be going this year? Damn right I am.
8. Frat Coolers:
M: Ladies, we don’t care as much about how the cooler looks as your friends do. You could write my name eight different times on the cooler and I’d be fine with it (Side comment: if you can make me laugh, a million bonus points so keep that in mind). The only thing we care about is what is on the inside. My advice? F*ck the expensive alcohol (unless you have the cash for it, in which case, hmu because I need a date to my formal). Go for lower-middle tier booze and lots of it. And I mean a lot. Pretend like you’re trying to murder your date with alcohol poisoning. That is the perfect amount of alcohol you should put in a cooler.
F: All I can tell you is that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have to paint a frat cooler. Seriously, I am probably the least artistic person in this entire world. It also seems like a major pain-in-the-ass to have to sand it and prime it and come up with some cute designs, so shout out to all the ladies out there who have actually survived the whole ordeal. If I ever do end up going to one, I’m really sorry in advance because your cooler is probably gonna suck.
9. Entering the pool:
M: Just finished lifting, so I know I’m looking decent. Throw the shades on so girls can’t see you staring. Wow, I love SCU. Thank you ladies for existing and choosing the swimsuits you choose. F*ck, is that Teddy? I have to leave, I look like I just finished a seven day Doritos-filled stint in my mom’s basement next to that guy.
F: I am SO not in good enough shape for this. Hopefully no one will notice I literally haven’t stepped foot in the gym all year. Let’s be honest: they totally will. Okay be cool, be cool. Confidence is key here, just gotta make it past all these people. Is that cute guy staring at me? Should I stare back? Too late he looked away. Okay well this is awkward now it just looks like I’m creeping on him, even though I kind of am. Wow I wish I had her bikini. And her flat stomach. Can I just be her?
10. Walking out of your last final:
M: I’M DONE. F*ck finals, f*ck studying, f*ck school, f*ck all that noise. I’m finally free! I really should pack and plan for the summer, but my brain is fried. I can’t do anything productive right now… Let’s drink.
F: Thank god that is over with. Even though I’m like 78.4% positive that I totally failed that thing I don’t even give a f*ck anymore. It’s finally summer! Beaches, tanning, road trips, crazy adventures…oh who am I kidding I’m going to be working & catching up on One Tree Hill all summer. Wow it’s crazy to think that the next finals I take at SCU won’t be till 2017. WAT. That seems like such a long time from now. Uggggh I don’t want to go pack right now. I have so much crap to go through. #struggling. You know what? I’m gonna go lay on my bed & watch Netflix instead. I just worked my butt off studying for finals & I deserve a break cuz, ya know, treat yo self.