We’ve all been there. The self-inflicted damage to the GPA accompanied by endless nights in the library, a lack of sleep, and an even worse lack of planning. All thanks to that wonderful thing called procrastination. Recently, while finishing a paper at some God-forsaken hour in the morning, I had a realization that I follow pretty much the same process for every assignment. This process happens to fall directly in line with the five stages of grief. There truly is no minute like the last minute to get things done.
Denial.
That blissful, ignorant period when I woefully underestimate the time and effort I’m going to be putting into an assignment.
When it happens: 5pm the night before the paper is due.
What I’m thinking: “Oh, a ten page paper comparing three books I haven’t read yet? Plus a bibliography? What fun, I’ll be done by midnight.”
State of my paper: Figment of my imagination, but, I didn’t forget about it so that’s a plus.
Anger.
I’m starting to realize that it might not have been the best idea to start this thing 18 hours before it’s due. However, it’s always easier to blame anything and anyone other than myself.
When it happens: Right after I realize I need eight independently researched and annotated citations, in addition to reading the three novels I don’t own.
What I’m thinking: “It is absolutely senseless that my professor gave us this assignment. Like, how is this going to help me get a job?”
State of my paper: Four awkward paragraphs that probably won’t defend my thesis, which I have yet to come up with.
Bargaining.
This is the stage where I begin cutting any and all corners necessary to get this thing done; compromising with myself, using SparkNotes, lowering expectations, and looking for loopholes in the rubric. Anything goes for the rest of the night.
When it happens: In between my second and third Netflix break of the evening.
What I’m thinking: “I mean, I guess I could take a C on this. Eight pages might be enough, and who needs the library databases when I can use Google Scholar?”
State of my paper: Severely lacking in every regard.
Depression.
Also known as the “screw this” stage. This is when I openly question my decision to wait so darn long to get this thing started.
When it happens: When I get kicked out of the library and there’s nowhere for me to get caffeine.
What I’m thinking: “This is the worst. I’m never ever procrastinating again.”
State of my paper: Nearly complete.
Acceptance.
The end. Save it once more and go to bed, if there’s time. By this point, I’ve accepted the quality of the paper, and the fact that I am most definitely going to do this again.
When it happens: Around dawn, give or take.
What I’m thinking: “I’m probably going to need to read this tomorrow so I can figure out what I wrote.” While simultaneously thinking: “Nobody should have to read this. I’d feel bad for the teacher, but he’s the one who assigned the darn thing. Good riddance.”
What I’m doing: Trying to get ready for bed without waking up my roommate.
State of my paper: Close enough.
So there we have it. At least three times a quarter I end up toeing the line of academic oblivion, due to my incredible time management skills and flawless decision making. Last winter quarter, I decided the weekend before finals would be a good time to start watching The Walking Dead on Netflix. Whoops. Some people call it procrastination. I prefer “conditioning myself to thrive under pressure.” It looks much better on my resume.