El Niño is Coming

HOLY SH*T EVERYONE WATER IS COMING FROM THE SKY AND NOT THE SPRINKLERS. GRAB EVERYTHING AND RUN! Stock your rooms with 72 hours’ worth of food and prepare for the end of days! Water no longer comes out of the faucets or shower heads, it actually started pouring out of THE F*CKING SKY.

This has to be a sign. Is God furious? Are aliens making contact? Is the government leading a top-secret project to force water from the sky to instill terror in all of our enemies and testing it on us? Either way, I’m scared sh*tless. When I came to Santa Clara from Northern Idaho, I did not expect such a radical environmental meltdown. I thought we had at least 30 more years until the sheer amount of garbage we produce as a society caught up to us. Clearly I was mistaken. 

So, what do we do in a situation like this? Is there some sort of giant tent we can put up over the entire bay area? Is the beautiful state of California the only one being affected by this terror? Surely this has to be one of the ten plagues. What have we done to deserve this?

My Sperry Topsiders can’t withstand this horrific amount of water, so don’t even THINK about breaking out your Rainbows… And, those are my only two pairs of shoes, what do I wear now? I also only have two pairs of khakis, and even those don’t keep my legs warm. What is this world coming to? And of course this starts to happen right when the drought was really doing us wonders. Brown is the new green after all. Why do you think succulents became so popular? Personally I loved the drought, it kept me way warmer than this insanity.

I have a theory about all of this hysteria and chaos raining down upon us from the heavens: it must be because of all of the Seattle Seahawks fans in the Bay Area. I’ve heard that their city has been enduring a similarly perilous situation for a very long time now. They must have done something to bring all of this to us. Is it a ploy to win the Super Bowl or maybe to convince us that the 12th man is a real thing and actually does something? We may never know. All I know is that this atrocity must stop. We must wage war on the Seahawks fans. Anyone seen wearing that dreaded deep blue and disgusting bright green must be publicly shamed. Anyone heard saying “12th man” or “Go Hawks” should be sent to the student court and face expulsion (I don’t know, just a few ideas).

Buckle down Santa Clara, I have a feeling these storms aren’t going away anytime soon; mostly because every single weather service in the Bay Area has been losing their minds for months now. This campus was built for sunshine and blue skies, not rain, or any other kind of weather occurrence. The one storm drain on campus overflows every time we’ve had a storm, so good luck out there Broncos.