We’ve all heard it before—“you’re not like other girls,” “you’re so low-drama, it’s a refreshing change,” “you’re like one of the boys,” or “she’s a chill girl.” As a socially unaware middle schooler, these comments made me feel superior to other girls—I felt proud to be considered “one of the boys” and to be distinguished from other girls who were higher maintenance or who interacted differently with guys. Yet as I grew up and became conscious of the implications that came with those comments being considered compliments, I have realized just how misogynistic and backhanded they were. Since arriving upon this realization at some point in high school, I have remained hyper-aware of those sentiments. One Rupi Kaur poem in particular comes to mind whenever I consider the harm in allowing these attitudes to go unchecked.
Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey:
“you tell me
i am not like most girls
and learn to kiss me with your eyes closed
something about the phrase – something about
how i have to be unlike the women
i call sisters in order to be wanted
makes me want to spit your tongue out
like i am supposed to be proud you picked me
as if i should be relieved you think
i am better than them”
It’s not just boys that this sentiment comes from—it can be girls too. I’ve always known of girls who claim they can only be friends with guys. They can be known as “a guys girl” and they tend to distance themselves from any potential girl friends, citing a bad experience with girl drama as a reason to write off all future relationships. With this attachment to a past bad experience comes the harmful insinuation that all girls are capable of is judging, instigating cat fights, and inspiring drama and gossip everywhere they go. It’s these attitudes, held by many people unconsciously and consciously, regardless of gender, that internal misogyny and sexism thrives.
To this point, studies suggest female-female relationships are actually good for your health. Attributing it to oxytocin, a hormone present in both women and men, researchers have found that when it interacts with estrogen, women seek out companionship and friendship. Through these friendships, subjects witnessed decreased feelings of stress and isolation and some even described a “wash of love” coming over them. The study also reveals that female companionship “buffers the hardships of life’s transitions, lowers blood pressure, boosts immunity and promotes healing. It might help explain why women, on average, have lower rates of heart disease and longer life expectancies than men.” So before writing off all women as dramatic or hysterical, consider your life expectancy and overall stress levels—maybe some girl friends is exactly what you need.
Let me be clear— it is not sexist to be friends with mostly guys. It is not bad to fit in with stereotypically “masculine” culture and practices rather than with “feminine” activities and interests. It’s not bad to be different—everyone is different!!! What is “bad” about this situation is when a person implies it is cooler or more desirable to be unlike women. This trope perpetuates the assumption that all women are the same or have the same interests and needs. It perpetuates the idea that men are superior and that men’s “usual” interests and activities are more respectable and cool than those frequently tied to women. Within this concept exists the belief that emotions, behaviors and reactions are inherently gendered. If a girl can “take a joke” or acts nonchalant about certain matters, she is viewed as “different” from other girls. This perception is born from the stereotype that women are more dramatic and emotional than men. So a girl who happens to be less sensitive or who has a thicker skin is more likely to be considered “chill” and “one of the boys” because she does not exhibit the generalized characteristics that men associate with all women.
I grew up with two older sisters, an older brother, and a mom and dad. Yet on autumn Sundays, it was my dad and brother sitting in one room of the house reading or working, while it was my mom and sisters sitting in front of the TV screaming at bad referee calls during Patriots games. It was the women in my house glorifying a typically masculine activity. I went to an all-girls school from 6th-12th grade, so when I got to college, I was suddenly confronted with the culture that comes from co-ed. I had a Tom Brady photo in my dorm room, and when guys would come in, a debate over sports would almost always commence. But our debates didn’t hinge on which sports team was best—they almost always hinged on the argument over whether I really knew and understood football. I can recall over five instances of being asked to list players on a team, as if I had to prove my knowledge of the sport. As if I was only claiming to be a sports fan to impress the boys—to fit in with this seemingly superior culture of masculinity.
Another thread that could be connected to this analysis and concept is the dichotomy of the second wave of feminism. The second wave of feminism lasted from the 1960s through the 80s and it tackled many social and political conditions and roles. For the purpose of this article, however, I wanted to point out the two different narratives within the movement. The main goal behind the movement was to establish equal opportunities and pay for women—feminists at the time wanted the ability and access to the same jobs as men and to receive the same pay. In other words, women were looking to leave their assigned role as house-makers and mothers to join the workforce alongside men. However, in an attempt to establish equality, much of this movement wound up alienating women who did want to continue in their traditionally female roles as home-makers, nurses, school teachers or mothers. This split led some feminists to subconsciously label such women as “old fashioned” or “less than,” furthering the notion that the work of a mother and home-maker is inadequate. Thus, in an attempt to achieve equality with men, this movement accidentally condemned typically female roles, characteristics and passions.
This is all to say that, rather than place the “guys girl” on a pedestal, we must elevate all women and all characteristics, roles, jobs and interests held by them. Women cannot be summarized in a one line description, nor can we be generalized by our gender. So, the next time someone tells you you’re “not like most girls,” remind them that, actually, you’re not like most people.