Hey collegiates, it’s been a minute. Your favorite campus correspondent who consistently girl bosses a little to close to the sun has been taking a break from writing because life has gotten a little crazy. I spent the summer working by day at boutique public relations firm for beauty, lifestyle and wellness, while spending my nights and weekends as a crew member at my local Trader Joe’s giving me not much time to write. As I reflect on the last year I am shocked at how much my life has changed. For better and for worse. If I were to look at from an astrology lens, my moon, mercury and rising are all in fixed signs (#iykyk). Our chapter has had some ups and downs with my all time favorite seniors graduating, and the shock of some of my favorite members leaving. I’ve had some ups and downs with friends cycling in and out of my life. Change can be good, but it also can be hard. Most of my friends would tell you as a rule I’m a very good friend, but I have a history of being blindly loyal and seeing the best in people when it may not necessarily be there. I tend to apologize when things are not my fault, and often sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of others. I find these patterns of behavior are in a lot of young women.
As young girls, we were taught to make ourselves smaller, and be overly apologetic. Obviously, if you do something wrong you should apologize. But you should not apologize for your existence, and for inconveniences your existence may cause. We make our needs smaller, and the needs of others bigger. If you bump into someone, or have an emergency and have to cancel a meeting – try saying “thank you for understanding”. We feel ashamed and dismissed when we set expectations, boundaries and ask for what we deserve. I know some women who have grown out of that habit and are assertive but many are not. In the last year, I’ve found myself bending over backwards to accommodate people who for lack of better phrasing treated me like garbage. Whether it be friends, or guys. It’s a problem I’ve had since I was a teenager, that many young women struggle with.
I’m all for opening up for the sake of helping someone who might be going through something similar always. I’ve often accepted less then I deserve in friendships and relationships. You shouldn’t have to beg for the bare minimum. You shouldn’t have to beg people to care about you. And you shouldn’t be shamed or dismissed for bringing up your needs and feelings in any relationships. Recently I had a friend literally gaslight for bringing up she was never there for me. When I talked to a close friend about it she said “you’re calling them out for neglecting you, and they’re neglecting you. They clearly won’t change.” If someone won’t do the bare minimum as a friend or in a relationship, don’t apologize for asking for the bare minimum. I’ve had this happen with two major friendships in my life, and both of them were really bad friends. I would put there needs before my own, and would think them being bad friends was my fault. One during the worst time of night of my life, completely ghosted me. The other more recent one basically used me as the source for all her friends and opportunities for three years and then blew me off every time we made plans and made time for everyone but me. Then when I asked why she was treating me this way completely gaslighted me and bailed out of my life. As my best friend would say, we hate to see an actual social climber with no personality of her own. Jokes aside, setting expectations in relationships and friendships is not something you should be made to feel shamed for. Even in professional settings, many of my friends happen to be execs for Her Campus. In the past I’ve had to set boundaries professionally.
If setting boundaries and expectations causes you to lose people, it might hurt for a while but you will ultimately be better off. The people who truly care about you will stay in your life. Don’t apologize for asking for what you deserve. Even in simple everyday life situations; if you’re running late or can’t make an appointment, try saying “thank you for understanding” instead of “I’m sorry”. As women we need to understand what we deserve and that we shouldn’t apologize for knowing their worth or apologizing.