It was your typical Monday night in Scranton. Everyone was finishing up with classes, grabbing dinner, and dealing with last minute studying and assignments when the news hit: CLOWNS ARE IN SCRANTON!! Now, if you’ve been living under a rock these past few months, let me fill you in. All across America there have been sightings of creepy clowns holding weapons and trying to lure children and adults into the woods. Scary AF, I know! The entire campus went into frenzy, hiding away and locking their doors in fear of encountering the clown. Cars were even driving through the street blaring circus music to make the night even creepier. Many phone calls were being placed to the university and local police departments reporting clown sightings. The police were frantically searching the Hill Section for this alleged clown. Little did they know, I invited Conrad the Clown over to my apartment to get an exclusive interview with him about the nights events, how he hopes he can get over his “bad clown” image, and his hardened life that turned him to this life of crime.
HC: Conrad, I’m not going to sugar coat this, how is your life so boring that you felt the need to terrorize all of Scranton? What did we ever do to you?
CC: I really meant no harm by it. I’ve had a tough life. I wasn’t bored at all. I thought this was the right thing for me to be doing. It’s nothing personal.
HC: You do realize you caused probably one of the biggest distractions for us all on campus, and during midterms no less!
CC: I’m realizing this all now. I know at the time of my arrival everyone was busy with his or her work and my presence got in the way of that. I really am very sorry and want to explain my side of the story.
HC: Please tell us your side of the story.
CC: You see both of my parents were clowns as well. I was raised at the circus my entire life. I considered everyone who was in the circus to be a part of my family. I was always a good kid. I was even the top of my class at clown school! Unfortunately, I fell into a bad crowd when I was a teenager. My mother always warned me about the “bad clowns,” but I didn’t listen. They seemed fun and exciting, so I hung around with them.
HC: What kind of an effect did these “bad clowns” have on you growing up?
CC: At first it was all harmless fun. We did silly kid stuff, like pull dumb pranks, and cut class. We weren’t hurting anybody, but we did have a reputation around the circus.
HC: When did things start taking a turn for the worse?
CC: This past summer things started to get out of hand. I was perfectly okay with our silly nonsense, but some of the other guys wanted to do bigger things. They felt like we were oppressed by the circus. They were sick of being forced to perform every weekend all around the country and having to make children happy all the time. They decided they wanted to escape the circus and hide out in the woods to try and capture these children we used to entertain. I was really wary of this idea, but they assured me that it was going to be innocent. We would lead the kids into the woods with candy, and then just scare them a little bit and let them go free. I was still really unsure, but the rest of the guys questioned my loyalty to them and if I really thought we were family. They were the closest things I had to brothers, so I agreed to do it with them.
HC: Wow, Conrad, that’s a really crazy story. How long did it take for your so-called “brothers” to decide to make things really dangerous and start carrying weapons?
CC: The end of August was when everyone really started going crazy. Naturally, these children we tried scaring reported what we were doing to their parents, and the cops were on to us. The rest of the guys suggested we start carrying weapons to, well, “get rid” of the kids. As soon as I heard this psychotic plan I knew I needed to leave them. They were no brothers of mine if they thought this kind of behavior was acceptable. I still did agree with them though that the circus life wasn’t a life I wanted to be living anymore. One night, after everyone went to sleep, I ran away from the only family I had to try and find a better life for myself.
HC: If you decided to go on a search for this “better life” a month ago, why were you terrorizing Scranton tonight?
CC: I wasn’t! It was all a misunderstanding! I have been searching for someone to be kind to me and hear my story but nobody would. I don’t have a job or money to buy new clothes, so I’ve been wearing my clown clothes for the past month and it scared people away. I can’t say I blame them. When I arrived to Scranton, I should have just calmly tried speaking to people. It’s just so hard because I had people snapping my photo and not giving me a chance. After everything I’ve gone through, when people act like that toward me, it’s hard for me to be friendly back.
HC: Conrad, I’m so sorry that people are treating you so poorly, after you did the right thing and left your crazy clown brothers! I hope you can forgive all of us here!
CC: Of course I forgive all of you! I understand why everyone is frightened. Clowns are so often portrayed as creepy or scary in the media so its natural that people tend to get frightened. I just hope I can expose my brothers for what they are doing once and for all so we can all go back to feeling safe! I’m over my bad clown image and want to change! I even plan on enrolling here at The University of Scranton so I can really try and make something of myself!
HC: Good for you! Since we’re all friends here now, would you mind if I asked a few lighthearted questions for our readers?
CC: Go for it!
HC: As a writer for Her Campus whose main audience is women, we’re all dying to know, as a male clown, how did you learn to do your makeup so well! Your full face is flawless!
CC: It took years and years of practice! I have been a part of the circus since I was born. I finally perfected my look around age 12.
HC: Who would you say is one of your biggest influences?
CC: Oh, hands down Ronald McDonald! That guy is a legend!
HC: Where were you raised?
CC: I live a nomadic life since I was in the circus. We traveled on one of those really cool, classic circus trains. That’s probably going to be the biggest thing I miss about the circus life.