I struggled thinking of a way to approach this article. I have written many drafts. I have contemplated what direction I should go in for this submission. I mean, I’m two lines in and I’m still clueless. My fingers are typing but my brain is saying stop and just think for a second.
Okay. So, as you can tell, I’m procrastinating. Reason being, I don’t really want to open up about this topic. It’s just something I don’t talk about. Not because I still have feelings for him (oh gosh, that one made me laugh out loud), but because I have deleted all my memories from that chapter in my life.
I guess I’ll just be honest, since honesty is the best policy and all.
I was in a toxic relationship. And I use that term “toxic” loosely, because, sometimes, I think it’s just a phrase we throw around to describe a bad, unhealthy or unstable relationship. The toxicity of my relationship partially came from me.
What do I mean by this? I mean that I created and nourished someone who I did not recognize: Someone who abandoned friends. Someone who abandoned their passions. Someone who believed that manipulation was love.
In other words, I fell down a rabbit hole. And I accepted it. I know it sounds weird, but in my head I convinced myself that my lonely and miserable rabbit hole was my fate, my destiny.
It took me over a year to break the shackles and chains that imprisoned me. It took me over a year to realize that I wasn’t in a relationship, but that I was a captive.
So, I guess I could start the ultimate roast. I really would love that. However, I have decided to shout out my ex. Thank you. Thank you so much! You’ve taught me so many lessons about relationships. You’ve taught me so many lessons about myself. Without you, I have grown. In fact, I have flourished. I love myself. I am now confident. I believe that I am capable of anything. I understand that being alone does not mean that one is lonely.
However, the most important lesson that I learned is that love is not manipulation.
Manipulation comes in all different shapes, sizes and quite frankly disguises. Fairy Tales portray love as this magical, intangible emotion that you just feel, even if you’ve never felt it before. And with love, comes blindness. Sun shines in your eyes and you can’t see the only thing that matters the most- the truth. We tell ourselves we’re in love because it’s what we want to feel. Everyone wants to love, and everyone wants to be loved.
I’ve learned to keep my guard up. Sure, that’s not the best advice. What I should say is, keep your guard up until you are confident you can slowly let it down.
I’ve been manipulated into thinking I was in love. At the moment it feels so good, so magical. But, looking back now, I have learned the signs of manipulation. Am I grateful for this experience? No. Would I take it back? Yes. But, you can’t change the past. Maybe it was a blessing, because I may not know what love is, but at least I know what love isn’t.
A year ago, I lived in fear. I was afraid that I would do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. A year ago, I walked on eggshells. A year ago, I prioritized someone else. A year ago, I ignored my friends. A year ago, I saw someone else in the mirror.
Today, I see me. Today, I feel free. Today, I have fun. Today, I live life for me, and not for anyone else.
I live life to its fullest every day. I value moments of solitude. And I value who I am. Never again will I ever let anyone change that.
This is not a roast.
This is a shoutout to my ex.