The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of The University of Scranton.
As I’m writing this, I’m a few hours away from going on my first retreat here at the University of Scranton. I’m not entirely sure what to expect, which is sort of the point. I know there are small group times, Mass, confession, and at some point, you learn a choreographed dance (at least here at Scranton, that’s on the itinerary). But aside from this, I really don’t know what I’m getting into.
I’m back! I’m now writing this on the Monday morning after my Search retreat. I got back around 7:00 P.M. last night, and I can confidently say that this weekend has changed me for the better. I don’t know if it’s changed my life, but that part is up to me. I won’t get into the basic itinerary, mostly because that wasn’t what changed me. It wasn’t that there was some magic activity or event that gave me all the answers I needed and fixed everything that was wrong. But what it did was challenge me to look at everything and everyone a little closer, and with a little more kindness.
But it wasn’t a perfect fit right away. At first, I wasn’t really taking in the retreat like I had hoped. I thought I was doing everything correctly, or at least the best I could. I had participated in my small group, I tried to eat with people I didn’t know during mealtimes, and I didn’t go on my phone, though I did keep it in my pocket. It was after our small group meeting, when we got free time, and I planned on using it to take a shower and possibly a nap, and then do what I always do when something isn’t going right: call my mom. I didn’t know how to find the answers to why it wasn’t going how I wanted or find the confidence to change. I needed my mom to tell me what to do. She didn’t pick up. In retrospect, I’m grateful she didn’t. The point of a retreat is to break with your normal habits, to grow in yourself (and your faith, but my retreat made a conscious effort to make it inclusive to all faiths or no particular faith).
Saturday was a fight between my negative thought patterns and myself. Thoughts like: “Don’t say that,” “You sounded so rude just then,” “You need to do more to get people to like you,” “Be nicer,” “Be funnier,” “Be smart, but not too smart and not too much or you’ll seem like an jerk,” “Be bubbly,” and “Be someone you’d want to be around” swirled around in my head. I reminded myself that guilt over trying to control the way people see me, trying to perform as the person I thought I was supposed to be, was never going to work. If I went through this experience just feeling bad about all the things I hadn’t done, all the ways I didn’t feel I belonged or was good enough, then nothing would change. So, I worked to silence those thoughts. With that, I started to be able to really allow myself to embrace the point of this retreat.
I did. I allowed myself to feel the agape (unconditional love; it’s a Search thing), and in return, I got what I had hoped for. I got to know myself, God, and a lot of awesome people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. I learned to love myself and to love others. After Search, I still must fight those old instincts to give in to my insecurities. Years of self-doubt don’t go away after one weekend. But it can really help. Search didn’t just help to lighten the load; it helped me see the problems I didn’t even know I had. I still have work to do. I still must remember the things I learned during Search and make sure I apply them, but I can tell that Search is going to be the moment I look back on as where my life began to change for the better.