If you were to ask me what I am most afraid of, I would most likely say spiders- big, creepy, crawly spiders. Or maybe snakes. Oh, how could I forget snakes. Slithering, slimy, venomous snakes. Now, if you were to ask me what I am most afraid of and I were to be completely and utterly honest. I would say being alone, not physically, but emotionally.
I am afraid of being alone. Correction- I was.
And since I’m being completely honest. I might as well as add- I’m a hypocrite.I write articles about reasons why we should not stay in relationships that merely provide us with sensations of safety and comfort. But, I do. Correction- I did.
I’m was so afraid of being alone that I stayed in a past-due relationship with someone I outgrew. Sparks dissolved and comfort cast a spell. I felt like I needed it more than ever. I felt like I couldn’t survive without the relationship, like I needed it to live, and breath, and sleep, and plead sane. Maybe I sound dramatic, but this is my truth.
While some view being alone as a blessing of self-voyage and discovery, I believed it was a curse. A low of loneliness. A pit of self-failure. Was it wrong for me to think this way?Yes.
So, I could sit here and type reasons why you shouldn’t settle for love or demand for you to reflect a time in your life that you were alone. Or I can just continue to be bluntly honest.
Let’s go with the second option.
Pardon my language-but being alone sucks. It genuinely sucks. And once you’ve been in a long-term relationship, it truly is hard to recall the times in your life you were alone and independent. Times in your life that you were just you, not a one- half of a duo. I know it was hard for me. I would sit and blankly stare trying to imagine memories that I felt fierce, memories that I felt strong, memories that I followed my passion and dreamed my dreams.
So, to wrap this piece up- I’ll offer some advice. It’s not the best, so whether you decide to take it, that’s up to you.
If you are in a relationship that merely provides you with comfort- stay in the relationship.Try to love the person. Try to love that person until you are strong enough to love yourself. Try to love that person until you are strong enough to walk away, walk away for good. Maybe you’re willing to stay in the relationship because you have invested time, energy and the beat of your heart. Maybe you’re willing to stay in the relationship because you think that it’s your fault the relationship is broken- you think it is your mission to fix it, fix you.
So yeah, try to force yourself to love someone. Try and try again because you’ll never succeed. But, within time you’ll learn this. Within time, you’ll want something more, you’ll dream of something real. And if you’re anything like me- the act of forcing yourself to love someone else, will help you learn to love yourself.
Sorry if this week’s article was a little bit more on the pessimistic side. But, I want you to know that you deserve to be happy. And a relationship that doesn’t make your heart breathe wild and free- isn’t happiness, it’s habit.
So, to wrap things up.
I was afraid of being alone. It was one of my biggest fears. And at times it really does still scare me. But, that’s okay.
Appreciate your life. Regain a sense of independence. Channel the strength inside of your soul. Most importantly, wait for love to find you.