Dear casual hookup,
I’m here to say the things that nobody in my position would want to say to you. I suppressed it for so long. It made our interactions more exciting, yet also so much more emotionally draining. I tried to fit into the norm for you. I tried to be “chill” for you.
The truth about me is, I can’t fit into the hookup culture. I’m a hopeless romantic. Like many people, I love to be in love. I physically can’t open up to anyone unless I love them. At first, I thought it was a flaw in my own self because everyone else seemed to be able to do it, so I tried to change for you. Yet, I have finally realized that my need for affection is nothing to be ashamed of.
The truth about me is, I liked you. A lot. Yet, I never wanted to tell you because that would have been “psychotic” of me. I would have come off as “too attached.” I continued to pretend I was okay being the girl you called at 2 a.m. on the weekends because in all honesty, I wanted to see you. While what we did held all the meaning in the world to me, to you it meant nothing. I liked you, while you only liked what we did.
The truth about me is, I wanted to be your girlfriend, not the “girl you get with at school.” I wanted to be more than just that. I thought I could make you want that too if I pretended to be what you wanted for long enough. Unfortunately, that was unrealistic and never really worked.
The truth about me is, I should have told you the truth. I didn’t stand up for myself. I fell into the societal norms of “getting with you” because asking anything more from you would have scared you away. I liked you too much for that to happen. I settled for nothing I wanted while you got everything you wanted. I blindly let myself be used.
Hookup culture today is one that encourages casual sexual encounters, which focus on physical pleasure without necessarily including emotions or commitment. Of course for some, hookup culture is something that they can thrive in. Some people don’t need commitment or love, and can just enjoy the physical aspects of being with someone. Those people chose to do what they want with their bodies and have every right to.
Yet unfortunately, it tends to be a common theme that many settle, especially in college. It is expected for us to be able to just say “screw it” and feel nothing. I hope that people like me have learned its okay to have feelings for people like you. It’s okay to expect the love you think you deserve. Mostly, I hope that others won’t “chill” when they emotionally can’t.
So, casual hookup, I want to thank you for teaching me to expect more, and settle less. I thank you for helping me learn more about myself, helping me realize that I just can’t do the hookup culture. I learned more about respecting myself enough to not be like everyone around me who was okay, or at least pretended to be okay, with doing what we did.
“Love,”
J.W.