As a college senior who is one month away from graduating, I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately.
I have been thinking about the past and the future so much over the pas few months that it has been hindering me from fully embracing the present and what little time I have left in college. So, I decided it would be best for me to write it all out, say my peace, and move on. There is only about a month remaining, and I want to make the most out of it before I regret spending all this time moping about the past and worrying about the future.
In 2019, I started my freshman year of college. Weeks prior to move-in day, I was hopeful and excited, but also cripplingly terrified. I had worries about not making any friends, not “fitting in,” not being able to do well academically, and not enjoying my experience at my school. I was concerned that I was potentially making the wrong choice by committing to Scranton, and worried that I would not be able to live on my own without my parents to guide me through everything.
Of course, these concerns are universal to almost all incoming college freshmen—but I did not know that at the time. I convinced myself that I was the only one who had these “irrational” fears. To my surprise, none of these concerns manifested into reality when I actually began the first week of classes. In fact, everything was going great! I was happy and adjusted to my new life much easier than I anticipated. I joined HerCampus where I made amazing friends and was ecstatic to find an on-campus community that suited me so well and welcomed me with open arms! For a while, I felt like my true, authentic self, and I finally felt like I belonged, unlike in high school.
About halfway through my first semester, I began experiencing one of the most common problems among almost all freshmen students: roommate troubles. Right before the start of winter break 2019, I moved out of my freshmen dorm after about a month of fighting with my roommate. It was also around that time that I met a guy, an older one. We hung out a few times and I thought, as cliché as it sounds, that it was love at first sight. Little did I know that this guy would turn out to be the one who would destroy the next two and a half years of my life.
By the time school resumed after that winter break, this guy and I were officially dating. I spent every single weekend for the next two months with him. That was, of course, until Covid swept through on March 13th, 2020, and canceled school for the rest of the semester. Obviously this caused me great emotional distress because I had just started seeing my new boyfriend who does not attend my school, who does not live anywhere near me, and who my parents do not even know about.
It was at this point that my life, and many others’ lives, changed forever. The months of March to August 2020 turned out to be the darkest, most depressing months of my life. My boyfriend, who I was madly in love with at the time, unsurprisingly turned out to be the vilest person ever. He degraded and humiliated me throughout the entirety of Covid lockdown.
He was emotionally abusive and completely destroyed any ounce of self-love I had, but for some unknown reason, I stayed with him. In fact, he actually progressively became even more evil the longer I
stayed with him, and this continued on for two years. When I returned back to campus in August of 2020, I went on to spend every single weekend at his house and, consequently, lost each and every friend I had made in college the year prior.
I’m now going to include a time jump in my story to February 2022 because the last two years completely blended together, as I had spent every single week living up to the weekend just so I can go over to his house and be degraded and destroyed as a person by him for three days straight. I had no real friends in college besides my roommates, and everything felt miserable. That of course, is completely my fault—I shut myself out from everyone because of my toxic relationship. I did alright in school, but I definitely could have done better if I had not been in so much mental pain all of the time.
One positive thing did stay consistent, though: I found my emotional “outlet” in HerCampus. I tried my best to attend all of the events and meetings and wrote articles on a daily basis. I even developed a close bond with some of the HerCampus members and executives. Being able to connect with them, even for a short period of time, helped me tremendously and allowed me to forget about all of the turmoil in my life.
Anyway, let’s flash forward to February 2022. I’m going to cover that part and the rest of my story in Part 2 of this article, which I will release next week. I promise you, it is only bright skies from this point on, so you’re going to want to hear the rest of it.
With that being said, I hope you enjoyed the first part of my college story. I know a majority of it is quite depressing, but this is the true, raw story of my life over the past four years, and it would be inauthentic of me to not include the ugly parts as well. Thank you for reading, and I hope you will check back next week for Part 2.
Jessica Grigorian
HC Scranton, Campus Correspondent