I’m going to tell you this much: this is a hard thing for me to talk about. Without getting too much into detail about my personal life as far as my background, I’ve dealt with a narcissist or two. It’s a painful thing once you realize that sometimes people go as far as masking their deep-seeded insecurities in order to appear as if they are above everyone else. That’s the truth that many narcissists don’t want to admit: they’re wrong. From my experience, a narcissist can go so far as verbally and psychologically gunning down anyone who *dares* to challenge their often self-centered mindset. Of course, there’s an understanding that often times this comes from a place of unchecked, repressed trauma as well as a very low self-esteem, but that is no excuse for their actions. You may be wondering, “What if I am dealing with a narcissist?” Well that’s what this article is about: finding out whether you are dealing with a narcissist in your life. I’ve gathered some anonymous responses to a question on the r/AskReddit subreddit, “What are the signs of a narcissist?” As well as other similar posts dealing with such. Note that this isn’t a way to diagnose anyone in your life but is a way to help keep yourself on guard so you know what you may be in for, whether it be a partner, parent, friend, or anyone that happens to come into your life at any time.
1) “Someone who manipulates people and situations to make themselves look good or to make themselves the victim. They are never wrong but if somehow they do get caught, it will always be somebody else’s fault.”
2) “It’s not necessarily the preconceived ‘full of themselves’ stereotype that we’re familiar with. Some (most?) narcissists actually have very low self-esteem. They’re empty shells. Other people are just objects to be manipulated, and if the N does something ‘nice,’ it’s to make them appear to be a nice person, and they will likely want something in return.”
3) “They don’t recognize when other people make sacrifices for them, but make a big deal about it when they do.”
4) “Their conversation consists mostly of anecdotes that no one else can contribute to. They always try to one up you. They insist you drop everything to help them, but they never lift a finger to help you. They react to hardship by being a**holes to those close to them. They go blank when you talk about things that aren’t them. They completely change personalities when they’re around different people. They always have a different recollection of events than what really happened.”
5) “They never apologize and always see themselves as the victim.”
6) “They make digs at others in order to seem superior. And yes, they always steer the convo to what THEY want to talk about in order to seem superior.”
7) “One thing I noticed a pattern of is they will praise you and put you on a pedestal in the beginning. I think this is a way of making their opinion important to you. So when they criticize you, it is more hurtful/damaging.”
8) “They don’t have a lot of old friends, but will often seem to have a ‘flavor of the month’. Long term relationships aren’t a narcissist’s strong point. They can dish out criticism but they can’t take it. Likewise, they will usually make jokes at other’s expense but cannot handle jokes about them. They put others down to build themselves up. It only goes one way.
9) “You could literally show them all the info in the world refuting their claims and they will still say they are right without any further answer or explanation.”
10) “Gaslighting. Never gives you a sincere apology, more like ‘I’m sorry if what I did makes you feel bad.’ Hypocritical.”
11) “Daughter of a narcissist here. Everything is seen through a filter of themselves. ‘How would it look if MY daughter went to therapy?’ I was told once. ‘I’m the victim here, I’m the one who has to fight this cancer!’ About my father’s brain cancer. ‘Dad died, I guess no one cares about Mom anymore.’”
12) “Oddly enough low self-esteem. When you really hate yourself by default there’s a chance of creating an opposing force as a defence mechanism to function like normal people. The thing is when you occasionally believe in yourself this might trigger a superiority complex due to lack of balance.”
13) “They will bombard you with good feelings at first. They will tell you everything they like about you but those same things will soon be criticized. Do you find yourself walking on eggshells? Are you hesitant to say what’s on your mind? Even if it’s harmless because you are worried about the unpredictable response? Get out now. Fight the urge to say your final words. Just dip. Find your own closure. They will never give you theirs. If you let them say their final words you will be more abused than ever. Good luck.”
14) “Puts you in s***** situations just to make you out to be the ‘crazy’ one or the bad guy. Feeling raw emotion about someone you love making you feel bad is not crazy.”
15) “One way I noticed is their finances are wrecked. The one I know rents his life away so he looks like he’s rich. He makes good money, but is significantly upside down on his car, tons of debt on his house, has multiple phones on monthly payment plans. All this to appear better than everyone else.”
16) “Narcissists will never respect boundaries, no matter how small. If you say something like ‘please don’t do that, it makes me uncomfortable,’ they will find a reason to do it more often. They may feign regret and even apologize, but they’ll do it again.”
17) “One thing I’ve noticed is something I call ‘Invisible allies.’ A toxic person in my life was constantly using phrases like ‘People are saying…’ or claiming that people not present at the moment agreed with them about opinions they had, and occasionally, they would even include God in this, or Jesus- claiming that their opinions were supported by them. With her, it seemed to be because she thought she could ‘win’ any sort of argument through numbers of people (or deities) that held the same view as she did. She would also talk to someone, express her opinions, receive no definitive reply either way, and then claim that person agreed with her simply because she’d said it to them.”
18) “When they warn you that ‘all of my exes/former employers/family members have a grudge against me and are telling lies about me.’ Guaranteed sign that this person has burned a lot of bridges and doesn’t want you to start digging and see the pattern of their behavior.”
19) “Everything they do is the most difficult thing ever and they should be praised for it especially if it was something they did for you. If you do the same thing though it was super easy and not worth mentioning.”
20) “For me, a big one was being called ungrateful for thinking for myself and not living the life my parents wanted and expected for me. Still trying to get out of doubting my every move. It’s hard sometimes.”
In fact, feel free to check out r/raisedbynarcissists if you might feel any of this applies to someone you know, as well as seek support through counseling or someone you trust to confide in. And remember – you’re not alone. Just remember to stand your ground and make sure to keep your distance if you feel that these kind of people are toxic to your environment. You’re important. You matter. Love, Cosette.