It’s nearing midterms and I think it’s safe to say we’re all starting to feel a little out of it. During a time when some of us may be struggling with deep anxiety or depression, I thought it would be important to discuss how these disorders can affect relationships. So, I sat down with a friend of mine, Jarrod Fouts, to get his opinion on the matter.
Jarrod is a senior and a writing major here at SCAD. He’s quite tall (always an attractive thing, right, girls?), likes to skate in his free time, and also confided in me that he has problems with his OCD. He explained that his thoughts were often irrational and repetitive. His brain will say things like “You left all your doors open” hundreds of times over until he feels he might just snap altogether. Jarrod has stated that he’s comfortable answering these questions and discussing what it’s like to date when you aren’t exactly a neurotypical guy.
Alexia Zarate: How do you think dating differs for average people versus people with disabilities or mental illnesses?
Jarrod Fouts: It may be a little more challenging for people with mental disorders to have a successful or enjoyable love life. I say this because of the way people with mental disorders have been stigmatized in the modern world and also because it’s just harder, for me at least , to not be controlled by the obsessive thought, fears, and anxieties associated with letting a person into my life in the romantic sense.
AZ: Would you ever consider dating someone who was handicapped?
JF: I think so. It’s probably the most cliché answer to give, but it really is what’s on the inside that counts. As long as the person has a good heart and I enjoy spending time with them, I don’t really think a handicap of any kind would prevent me from pursuing a relationship with them.
AZ: Do you have any people in your family that suffer from some drawback, like depression for example?
JF: I do. Before he passed away, one of my uncles used to compulsively hoard, which is a symptom of OCD. He had boxes of old newspapers and music memorabilia and tons of just useless things like nick knacks piled up everywhere, he was also depressed and didn’t leave his room very much, and when he did, you could see that he was distraught about something. With other family members I notice high levels of anxiety, as well as stress, and mild depression. I got a little bit of all of that, I think.
AZ: What’s the most difficult part of approaching a girl you like? Do you get pangs of anxiety or fear?
JF: Not listening to my own head. See, the thing about OCD, is the mind is your worst enemy. Little alarms are constantly going off, bad memories are always rising to the surface, and it feels like some really angry, sad, negative person is sitting there with a megaphone just screaming things in your ear. The only way I’ve come to combat it is with a quote by Peter McWilliams: “It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does?”
Jarrod and his friend, Jess, at the Botanical Gardens. Photo courtesy of Alexia Zarate.
AZ: How does your OCD affect your dating life now or in the past?
JF: To be honest, OCD prevents me from even trying sometimes. Because getting rejected can feel like the end of the world sometimes. I’ve gotten better this past year at dealing with it, neutralizing and managing those obsessions. There were a couple of those “the one that got away” situations with really amazing girls that I didn’t even take a chance on because I believed my mind when it told me awful things about myself and others.
AZ: Are you currently in a relationship?
JF: I am not currently in a relationship. I’m still getting over a relationship I was in for a while. It wasn’t necessarily a negative experience or one that even ended badly, I just still really care about the person and miss being with them.
AZ: How would you feel if you found out a girl you were dating had, for example, an eating disorder?
JF: That’s a tough one. I don’t want to be pushy of course, but I would try to advocate for some kind of therapy or find out some way I could assist in dealing with that. If it was too out of control and she was unwilling to seek help, I’d probably have to move on. That’s a special kind of hell, watching someone you love destroy themselves, and knowing there’s nothing you can do about it.
AZ: Lastly, do you feel that people with deformities or disabilities are viewed as unfit for dating by the average person? As if there’s some kind of stigma against them?
JF: You know that famous TV Doctor? Dr. Oz? He had this segment on his show called “Normal or Nuts.” He’s directly implying, as well as all those in the audience that cheered and a good bit of those watching from home, that people with disorders are nuts or just crazy. The same thing applies to dating. It’s much more subtle, admittedly, and in some cases it pays to be aware of the more potentially dangerous and draining disorders but what’s happened is we’ve built up a culture of immediate dismissal over something like that. And for such a society focused on progression and acceptance and equal opportunity, that’s a shame.
If you have your own experiences or tips on dating while dealing with a disorder and feel comfortable sharing, feel free to leave a comment below.