Breakup Sex

Breakup Sex

Where I get all the love left for me.

So much all at once – it’s wonderful.

It’s in your face:  so gorgeous, looking at me – so happy, so loving, so into me.

It’s the last time, perhaps, I feel you taking care of me and loving it.

And for a brief while, it feels like the love will never end.

I never want this to end.

It’s like we changed our mind.

Like we decided to give it another chance?

 

Until. It’s over.

 

We talk. Chat about happenings, per usual.

I’m so comfortable around you.

But, something is different.

Your mannerisms. 

Your distance.

You’re further away, it seems.

 

Physically, mentally.

Guarded…

It’s so subtle, but it’s powerful.

It affects me.

The new distance starts to creep in with a knowing – it’s almost The End.

 

We discuss an encore.

Perhaps we do this again?

But the sleepiness enters.

It’s time to go. 

You prepare to go and it’s hard to say, but as I say goodbye and maybe see you soon,

With the shut of the door, a daze settles over me. 

 

What just happened? 

 

Can I ignore that you have begun to move away already?

I feel lost, again.

Satisfied, I try not to overthink it.

 

Just sleep.

 

I awake in pain.

My chest feels like someone is sitting on top.

All I see is how little value I hold now.

Am I a side girl now?

He’s already moved on.

So have I?

I made this decision.

 

*Sense comes to mind: 

We both made this decision...

And we’ll be friends.

 

Friends with Benefits?

Yes.

No.

I don’t know. What does that make me?

The Loose woman?

 

Do we do this again?

Grey’s makes it look good and fun, but

Do I really want to stay hooked?

You’d be all for it

Only now, all I feel is less valuable. 

 

Visions of future friendliness dissipate in the aching pang of loss

Loss of respect?

Loss of closeness. 

I loved that part. 

I loved you as my friend. 

I loved you close.

I miss you. 

I want you to text or call or come find me at the river.

I want to go on an adventure hike with you or go out on the river.

 

I hate you, you probably used me,

you probably are moving on right now.

Ugh.

Ache.

Pain.

Ugh, but you’re such a good man. 

I remember the times you were so kind and patient and the fun. 

 

I don’t deserve you.

Ugh, you don’t deserve me. 

I am valuable, okay.

 

*Flash to the time I saw you

walking home with that girl. 

A coworker.

Promise.

 

Paranoid.

Insecure.

Heavy.

 

I rest in this thought:

I stop at this thought: 

I must stop here:

I believe you, actually.

You and I are the same.

We make better friends.

 

Is it over?

It is over.

It. Is. Over.

Is it?

 

All I know:

I can never be your side girl.

I’m no side girl.

I’m the main thing.

I’m a prize, that is a pain to value right now as I delete your number.

 

We're both too busy. 

Too driven.

Not ready.

It’s too much for now.

 

Just know, I wish you well.

I do respect you.

I respect me.

Bye bye, Bae.

[Still love that word.  Glad I got to use it for you.]

<3

 

Maybe I’ll see ya.