My entire life, I have asked myself, if I didn’t dance, who would I be?
I started dancing around five years old. Before that, I had spent every day complaining to my mom that I was meant to do this, even if it seemed like I was better at tripping and falling than I was walking; there was some part of me that knew this was meant to be.
When I started dance, I was a shy little girl who was too scared to even talk to my dance teacher, let alone the other girls. I knew this was the place I wanted to be, I just wasn’t sure how I was going to make myself fit into a place that was so different from anything I’d ever experienced.
I spent years working as hard as I could to be the best. I thought the only way to make my own place and be noticed was to make sure I was perfect at everything I did.
This mindset was quite literally the opposite of what my studio stood for. I was lucky enough to come from a studio with an owner who didn’t put skills first but put the growth of her students as human beings and members of society first. If you don’t understand the dance world, this may sound like what should be the bare minimum, but it is NOT.
I spent every second I could at the studio. If I wasn’t there for a scheduled class, I was there for teaching, assisting, or even going just to be there. It became my home away from home. I made my second family there; I grew extremely close with my dance teacher and made sisters there that have impacted my life so greatly that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them.
Throughout this entire process, I was insistent that no matter what I did in life, dance was going to be a part of it. Whether I pursued dancing on its own, attempted to work for a dance company or competition, or started my own studio completely, I genuinely thought dance would be in my life forever.
It only came to me a few years ago that dance wasn’t the path I was going to follow, and I wasn’t sure how letting go of that path was going to go.I had never really learned who I was without dance. And when I danced on stage for the final time, I knew that letting go of it was probably going to be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do so far, but I knew I had to see who I could be without relying on dance as my only footing in this world.
So, I let go. I didn’t join the dance team; I focused on every other thing possible, and I tried everything I could do to not think about dance.
This is when I realized, it’s okay to let something you love be a big part of your life, and it’s even more okay to miss something you dedicated so much love and time to. So, I let myself open up to the idea that just because I’m not a dancer in a studio anymore, doesn’t mean I’m not a dancer now and never will be again.
I still talk to my dance teacher and the girls from my home studio, I still plan to go choreograph and assist, and I even managed to wiggle my way into finding small ways to perform again. I am still a dancer in my heart, even without my studio.
So the question I always asked, “Who would I be without dance?” was never really answered, because even when I’m not in a studio or actively a dancer, dance will always be apart of me and will make up so much of who I am.
For other dancers or any athletes out there, who think it will all be over when it’s gone, I promise that letting go of it will make you realize that you never really have to let go of it at all, because the love and memories will never really let go of you.