Part of growing up is, unfortunately, experiencing heartache. Most commonly, people experience romantic heartache — breakups, rejection, and so much more. If I am being honest, romantic heartache sucks. It is so hard to get over and move on after. I think the only thing that is worse than a romantic breakup is a friendship one.
I have definitely experienced a few friendship breakups, especially before coming to college. Sometimes they are just simply from growing up and realizing the interests you once shared, while other times it can end in a gut wrenching fight. No matter how the friendship ends, it is hard to deal with the aftermath.
I always dread changing my lockscreen, the inside joke contact name in my phone, returning the various things I have stolen throughout the time we have been friends, eating our favorite dessert by myself instead of sharing it, and honestly so much more.
As I find myself extremely upset after a platonic breakup, I often ask myself this question: Why do friendship breakups hurt more than romantic ones?
Honestly, while I don’t think that there is one solid answer to this question, I have definitely learned some reasons why I believe these breakups to be so difficult. First, I feel that it is traditional that we are taught and guided through romantic breakups. When my first boyfriend and I broke up, there seemed to be concrete steps I took to “move on” from the relationship. I was told that it was okay to be sad, encouraged to get out of the house, and told that I was lucky to have loved and lost.
When I went through my first friendship breakup, though, the healing process seemed to be filled with hate and spite. I was told that the friendship I had lost wasn’t a good one anyway — that she was mean and spiteful. That I should dislike her. No one seemed to understand why I was so sad.
I lost someone that I loved and shared so many memories with. Navigating this was tricky, since I felt a constant pressure to hate the girl with whom I had lost a meaningful friendship. I didn’t want to hate her, though; I just wanted my best friend back.Â
Another reason that friendship breakups hit so hard is that friends are more a part of your identity than any romantic partner. My first boyfriend was a part of my life, but my best friend was a part of me. We bonded over inside jokes, the same favorite movie, and shared the same quirky personality traits. Losing her felt like I had lost a part of myself. There was no longer someone I could turn to at any time, or someone to laugh at something with that no one else seemed to find funny.Â
Friendship breakups also seem to end with a lack of closure. Every romantic breakup I have gone through has had a clear moment when we were definitely over. Despite the pit in my stomach after receiving a “we need to talk” text, at least I knew that we were ending.
Friendship breakups, on the other hand, seem to end less obviously. You stop texting, initiating plans, and randomly calling to talk about everything and nothing in the middle of the night. You begin to realize that the person you used to talk to every day is no longer pinned on your phone, and you haven’t seen her in weeks.Â
At the end of the day, friendship breakups suck. They feel personal, and like you failed at being someone’s best friend. In my opinion, this hurts more than failing at being a good girlfriend. While friendship breakups hurt, they make you more appreciative of the friendships that stick.
You are allowed to feel sad that you’ve lost friends. You are allowed to be upset over the lack of new memories that you would have made with them. Most importantly, though, it is important to acknowledge the friends who help you through this time. Healthier and deeper friendships are waiting for you.Â