For the longest time, I thought that love was confusing, uncertain, and draining. I had been with guys who were not ready for commitment, took me on an emotional rollercoaster, and started fights with me over what seemed to be the most insignificant things. While I obviously wasn’t the perfect girlfriend, I always felt deep down that I deserved better than the way that I was being treated. If I am being honest, though, I didn’t really know that was possible.
When I first came to college, it seemed like everyone was looking for hookups and casual relationships. Transparently, I have never been into the idea of casual. I prefer having the concrete “girlfriend” title, going on dates, and being in an intentional relationship. I tried being casual with someone; needless to say, it didn’t really end well. I was ready for commitment when he wasn’t, and that was so hard to understand. I hoped that by staying with him, I would change his mind.
What it took me way too long to understand, though, was that his mind was already made up. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship with me; it was that he didn’t want one at all. I broke things off with him, hoping to find someone who wanted the same things that I did, and didn’t make me feel like I was “too much” for wanting that stability.
My boyfriend and I met in a traditional way: through a mutual friend. When I was introduced to him, he made me feel something that I had been looking for for so long: stability. He was charming, kind, outgoing, and funny. He also made his intentions clear; he wanted to be in a relationship with me at some point. This was extremely relieving to me, especially as an overthinker. We mutually agreed to wait to make things official until after summer, though, since we had only really started seeing each other around April. To say he was worth the wait would be an understatement.
Being with him has taught me so much about what it means to be in a healthy relationship, and I now realize that this is probably one of the healthiest ones I’ve been in.
Through our relationship, I have learned the importance of communication. He isn’t a mind reader by any means, and neither am I. I think that it is so important to feel comfortable enough to voice things to your partner. If you expect your partner to read your mind, you will ultimately end up in a rut; you are upset about something he/she did or didn’t do, and your partner probably didn’t even realize that they did this. Communication is KEY! Working through differences and issues can strengthen your relationship with your partner. If you communicate with them, they will have the same respect to communicate with you.
I also learned how to be independent in the relationship. I think that relationships based on codependency can be harmful, because both people involved lose sight of themselves and who they really are. While my boyfriend and I share a friend group, we also do many things apart from one another. I like to go to the gym by myself, have “girls night,” paint my nails, stay up watching Bridgerton with my roommate, and so many other things.
While I do love spending time with him, I understand that I am not his only priority. He has friends, homework, hobbies, and so many other things that he likes to do outside of our relationship, just like me. On the other hand, it is obviously important to spend time with each other. The difference is, though, that I don’t feel like I have to choose between my relationship and being my own person. This is something I have never really experienced before.
One last thing that this relationship has taught me is the value of promises. In the past, I would awkwardly confront my previous boyfriends about something in our relationship that was bothering me. They would agree to work on it, but somehow would always fall back into the same habits a week or so later. This wasn’t really fair to either of us; it always left me feeling unheard and led to them making promises that they never fully intended to keep.
What I’ve learned now is that I am deserving of more than empty promises. My current relationship involves keeping promises for longer than a week. My boyfriend keeps the promises he makes to me and shows effort to maintain them over time. I give him the same respect. I’ve learned that love isn’t shown by what is promised in a moment, but the effort to keep the promise afterwards.
Looking back, I realize the countless times that I settled for less when I deserved so much more. I never truly believed that I was worthy of love that was filled with emotional clarity instead of exhaustion and confusion. This relationship has taught me that I don’t need to lose myself to be loved. Being in my first healthy relationship has taught me that I am worthy of the love that I desire: one that is stable, consistent, and intentional.