Is it wrong to want more from a relationship that you simply fell into? I tried to assure myself that we wanted to be more than friends, on a chilly December evening four months after I met you in that cafe. After I showed him around that woodland retreat and tried to show him movies and TV shows because he knew none.
The December when he gave a cute card asking me to be his girlfriend with a check box saying yes or no. I remember how I hesitated. But I didn’t have the heart to say no, even though I was already delighted enough just with being his friend. It was such a sweet gesture—and others said just how smitten he looked to be with me.
Yet, I kept feeling like I was doing all the work in the relationship. I made steps to try to break between our busy schedules. I tried to offer chances to watch shows together, or to perhaps go out to eat somewhere. But he was always busy and took no steps to do the same.
Gradually, my hope and motivation to keep trying started to fade. Moments where I saw him, just him and I, became few and far between. I tried and tried. But carrying the responsibility of furthering the relationship fell solely on me, and it grew exhausting. So exhausting and hopeless.
Is it selfish to not want to carry it all?
Is it bad that I couldn’t teach a mind empty of knowledge about relationships?
Sure, I had more experience, but what is experience if the relationship was during the pandemic?
Those years that wrecked human connection outside of a screen…how does one kiss if your face is masked whenever you are in each other’s company?
Yet, it was experience, wasn’t it? Even if I wouldn’t count it and that relationship ended the same way. I was the last thing on their mind.
Am I so insufferable that those I try to give my love to pay little mind to it?
I know I’m distant, I know I’m shy, and it’s taken me a very long time to even try to connect with people. I have long been crippled by social anxiety, and a voice that rarely spoke up. So, it isn’t easy for me to take on the responsibility of a relationship, platonic, or romantic on my own.
I’m trying, I swear I am…my social skills are just weak and still trying to develop. I have been silent and a shadow for most of my life.
But I now think of the New Years and dinners our families had together; I hope we don’t break that bond. Maybe game nights or a camping trip. We left each other as friends, and it makes me much happier. Less pressure, less weight for me alone to carry. Now, I often wonder if there is any hope for me to find genuine love where both sides contribute. I wonder if I ever cross the minds of those I care about. But that seems too much for me to ask.