In the words of my father, “divorce is one of the worst experiences to put your child through”. And to this day, I could not agree more. By definition, divorce is where a legal marriage is dissolved. However, it is so much more than this. It is the heartbreaking event that ruined my idea of what love is. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old. At age 8, my interpretation of love was completely shattered. As children, we grow up watching our parents’ marriage as the definition of being “in love”. When that marriage is dissolved, how can we believe in love?
Since that day, I have struggled in the month of February, specifically on Valentine’s Day. Being a child of divorce has meant that I have no real definition of what it is to be in love. Throughout my life, I have been in two serious relationships. One in high school and one in college. I struggled immensely through both of these relationships. I never let myself get overly attached to a person. I solely owe this to the experience of my parents’ divorce. I watched both of my parents lose the person they loved. Because I watched them struggle through that experience, why would I ever want to put myself through that experience?
Last Valentine’s day I was in a relationship with a guy whom I believed I did love. But the one thing I still could not do for him was to put my walls down. He tried, and tried, but all I wanted to do was not let him get too close to me. Because in my mind, if he figured me out, and we broke up, I would have to experience the pain my parents did. This relationship ended around 5 months after this.
Since this moment, I have tried to get help for myself in terms of this. I started to attend bi-weekly therapy sessions to figure out more about how guarded I am. The final verdict after attending sessions for around three months is that my therapist believes that I will be able to let my guard down one day. But it will have to be for someone who gives me a reason to, not for people who don’t. She made me realize that I should not feel bad that I could not let my guard down for this person in particular. Because that just meant that he was not the right person for me. And that’s okay.
Since Valentine’s Day has come around again, I have been trying to embrace this holiday instead of being afraid of it. Although I am not currently in a relationship for this Valentine’s Day. I am focusing on growing myself individually. So the next person I am in a relationship with, I have the ability to put my guard down for.