As a little girl, I never daydreamed about what my wedding dress would look like or what kind of flowers I would adorn my wedding venue with. I never imagined my name with boys’ last names to figure out which combination sounded best. As a teenager, I never decided what color dresses I’d want my bridesmaids to wear. As a senior in college, I’ve never inserted my goals on a timeline that includes moving in with someone and getting engaged. I’ve never hoped that I would find someone to have children with “before time runs out.”
I don’t judge the people who do these things; I think it’s beautiful to know your goals and to respect a loving union between two people. But not everyone wants the same things. I am someone who has never dreamed of a wedding because I have never dreamed of marriage. I have seen my grandmother go through a divorce and never want to get married again. For her, marriage meant not having autonomy and financial freedom. I have seen my mother dream of getting married only to go from one bad relationship to the next. For her, marriage means something that is too good to be true.
Those are the kinds of things that stay with you. I am not afraid of marriage, and I am not cynical about it, but I struggle to see how it would work for me. I, despite years of therapy, am a very avoidant person. Luckily, I am not avoidant in day-to-day life anymore, but I definitely am when it comes to love. I expect a lot from people, and even when they give a lot, it isn’t always enough for me. Sometimes, it’s too much. I tell myself I’m just not a “relationship person,” and that truly is good enough for me.
I do sometimes feel that I am missing out, though. Not on wanting to be married, but on not getting to fantasize about my awesome, over-the-top wedding that will be the “most important day of my life!” So, because of my FOMO, there’s one part of my never-going-to-happen wedding that I let myself dream about: my wedding playlist.
So far, I’ve decided on four songs that I’ve deemed to be just right.
4. “Kiss me to the music” by Bobby “blue” Bland
This song had to have been made for a first dance at a wedding; it’s too perfect. When I listen to it, I picture that first slow dance, and I can’t imagine anything else.
3. “Forever in my life” by Prince
Duh. I don’t even have anything to say about this song. Listen, and you’ll understand.
2. “Thank you” by led zeppelin
The lyrics to this song are basically wedding vows.
1. “A song for you” cover by willie nelson
“A Song For You” was written by Leon Russell. But I prefer this cover because Nelson’s voice, to me, completes the masterpiece.
Here are my favorite lines:
“And I know your image of me is what I hope to be…”
“And I love you in a place where there’s no space or time. I love you for life, you are a friend of mine”
Ultimately, marriage may not be in the cards for me, and that’s okay. But, a little wedding playlist never hurt anybody.