Content Warning: This article covers sexual topics.
We’ve all heard of Women in S.T.E.M, but how about Women in Sex? Almost every woman I know has complained about sex at some point. Sex, which should be a fulfilling and fun experience for any party involved, ends up feeling like a chore. And it’s not the woman’s fault. But why are positive sexual experiences for women barely talked about?
Truth is, a lot of women don’t have those. While everyone goes through middle school hearing plenty of dick jokes and hearing about circle jerks, it’s not outright shamed like flicking the bean is. Purity culture has made it taboo for women to talk about the pleasure their bodies can experience.
Heaven forbid a woman knows what feels good in her own body.
Personally, I didn’t know women could masturbate until I was around 17. I always thought it was just for men, and I was terrified of sex. I heard very, very few positive things about it, outside of fantasy novels. So, of course, I thought that female orgasms were also part of the fantasy world.
Even looking at the porn industry, a lot of that’s aimed at men. It’s almost always a young, thin woman, with over-the-top moans, and giant breasts. And, as long as it’s a career she chose, good for her! But how many women are turned on by that? Even when it comes to lesbian pornography, it seems like it’s made for a male fantasy.
Books, too, can end up reinforcing the patriarchal idea of what sex should be. Plenty of Young Adult novels have a female lead who just so happens to be a virgin, and marries the man who sticks it in first. Of course, there’s the tension, and she c*ms every time, but there’s normally no foreplay, at least not enough for how big they’re making the men.
For the love of your vagina, do NOT skip prep! While women can have a fantastic time during sex, it can also get very painful. Use lube!
Sex toys are where women finally get to shine. After all, what’s a man going to do with a vibrator? I’m sure there are many things they could do with it, but this isn’t about them right now. And those are great, but there are a lot of guys who get insecure when a lady needs a vibrator to climax. And with that insecurity, they shame their partners into just lying there and waiting until it’s over.
Speaking of, men don’t know enough about female biology. When I lived in dorms, I had three different roommates (at different times). Each of them started dating a man while I was living with them. Each of them complained that their boyfriend couldn’t find the clit. So, I did what any good roommate would do, and I drew their boyfriends’ diagrams! There’s no excuse when you have Google and the Hub at your disposal, but sure, I can draw you a picture. It even wears a little hat!
That’s not even talking about what can come out of a vagina. Many women experience periods, yes, but there’s a lot more that comes out of that area. There’s discharge during the rest of the cycle, and during sex, women typically self-lubricate. It’s not a dry orifice!
Sex and pleasure are frequently presented through a man’s gaze, even though it takes two to tango. Men are praised as players when they sleep with multiple women, while the women he sleeps with are called sl*ts. If a woman wants to wait, she’s a prude, but a lot of guys want to marry a virgin. There’s really no winning.
Personally, if a guy wants to marry a virgin, and he’s not, I’ll assume he’s bad in bed and doesn’t want his wife to realize. Men, look up guides on how to make your partner orgasm. Listen to feedback. And ladies, if he can’t eat you out correctly, then use your teeth when you go down on him.
There’s no shame in pleasure. Masturbating or having sex doesn’t make someone dirty, and the concept of being “impure” is medieval. Like, we have paternity tests now in case you’re questioning your lineage. So please, let’s be as open about what we can feel and experience as the men are. Whether it’s solo or with a partner, enjoy what your body can do, and stop trying to conform your sexual experiences to what men want.