The Road that Leads Back to Me

There are nights that I lie awake thinking about all I’ve been through and the person I’ve become as a result. I replay the moments that broke me, the choices I’ve made, and the love I’ve given, longing to understand how I’ve come to be the person I am today. Sometimes it feels like I’ve lived a whole lifetime, although I’m so young and have so much ahead of me. In those quiet moments, I find myself sifting through the pieces of who I used to be, trying to make sense of the person I’m becoming.

I’ve learned so much from the world around me, my relationships, and myself. In those quiet moments when the world is still, and my thoughts are loud, I see how much I’ve grown, how much strength I’ve been able to gather, despite feeling like I’m failing myself. I’m not the same girl who was desperately searching for herself; I’m someone who knows who I am. 

I’ve spent so much time longing for a purpose, hoping that one day I’ll just wake up and be able to connect all the dots. I often wake up with a feeling that I’m meant for something more, much larger than the life I’m living right now, but I never know how to get there. I prayed that something would just come over me and tell me exactly what road I’m supposed to turn on, but the truth is, no matter what direction I choose to take, I’ll still end up at the same destination.   

No matter how hard I’ve tried to force clarity, I’m learning that life doesn’t come with a step-by-step guide. I used to think that if I tried harder, or prayed harder, something would take me by the hand and bring me in the right direction. Instead of waiting around for a sign, I’ve learned to find purpose in the smallest moments; the times when I recognize that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.   

I’ve also realized that the key to growing is accepting that not everything has to make sense right away. There have been moments where I’ve begged for answers, wondering why it just can’t be easier to understand what’s waiting for me at the end of the road. When I slow down and take it all in, I see how every heartbreak, every struggle, and every time I kept going even when I didn’t have any gas left has brought me closer to who I’m becoming. Instead of looking for a billboard above me, maybe I need to keep my eye on the road and keep heading towards my destination, no matter what it may be. 

• growth
• life
• purpose
• reflection