I feel guilty.
I have a list of assignments a mile long, but I’m lying on the couch.
I feel guilty that the people around me are happy it’s Friday. They’re celebrating the end of another week, making plans, and getting ready to go out, but I’m lying on the couch.
I’m staring into space, my brain running at full speed while my body stays completely still.
I can’t help it.
I have work in the morning. Actually, I have work all weekend. And when I finally get home from work, I get to sit down and do homework for school. Then, before I know it, it’s Monday again, and the cycle starts all over.
My to-do list is never-ending, and my mind never stops running.
I just want one night where I can lie on the couch and do absolutely nothing. A night where I don’t have emails to send, assignments to turn in, meetings to attend, or obligations to go out with my friends.
A night of nothing.
The old me would think I’m crazy for turning down an adventure, a party, or even a last-minute trip to the grocery store with my friends. I used to be the person who never wanted to miss out on anything. If there were plans, I wanted to be part of them.
But the me today? She just wants a night at home. Honestly, a night at home alone would be a bonus.
And somehow, even when I finally get that night, I can’t enjoy it.
Because while I’m lying on the couch, I’m thinking about everything I should be doing.
I should be working ahead on assignments. I should be cleaning my room. I should be answering that email I’ve been putting off. I should be spending time with my friends because these are supposed to be the best years of my life.
There are so many things I should be doing that I forget I’m allowed to do nothing.
When did resting become something we have to earn?
Somewhere between being a full-time college student, working, maintaining friendships, and trying to figure out my future, I started treating my free time like another assignment.
If I have an hour between classes, I should be productive. If I have a night off work, I should be catching up on schoolwork. If I have a weekend without plans, I should be making some.
And if I’m not doing any of those things, I feel like I’m falling behind.
It’s exhausting.
I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that you can’t do everything, even when you desperately want to.
I want to be a good student. I want to be a good employee. I want to be a good friend. I want to make memories, go on adventures, and enjoy the little moments that make college so special.
But I also want to sleep. I want to sit on my couch and watch a movie without feeling like I’m wasting precious time. I want to wake up one morning without immediately thinking about everything I have to accomplish before I can go back to bed.
I want to be able to do nothing without feeling guilty about it.
And maybe that’s something I need to learn.
Because the truth is, my assignments will still be there tomorrow. There will always be another email to answer, another shift to work, another meeting to attend, and another deadline creeping closer.
There will always be something to do.
But that doesn’t mean I have to spend every waking moment doing it.
I’m slowly realizing that turning down plans doesn’t make me a bad friend. Spending a Friday night on the couch doesn’t make me boring. And taking a break from my never-ending to-do list doesn’t make me lazy.
It makes me human.
So tonight, I’m going to lie on my couch. Maybe I’ll watch a movie, maybe I’ll scroll on my phone, or maybe I’ll just stare at the ceiling for a while.
My brain will probably remind me of the assignments I haven’t finished and the things I could be getting ahead on.
But for once, I’m going to try not to listen.
Because sometimes, after a week of doing everything, doing nothing is exactly what I need.