From October to December, the heart of the holiday season, I try my hardest to feel the holiday cheer and enjoy the festivities. Unfortunately for me, that’s not always easy. Don’t get me wrong, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all hold a special place in my heart, but with these holidays come memories. Memories from childhood. And honestly, nostalgia kills me. It literally makes me feel like I’m being torn apart from the inside out.
When I think about the holidays, all I can think about is how much I miss being a kid during them. Decorating the Christmas tree with my mom and dad. A big Thanksgiving dinner surrounded by family that I rarely see anymore. Picking out a Halloween costume with my mom and older brother before heading out to trick-or-treat. All of it.
Recently, while playing one of those “get-to-know-you” card games, I was asked what my favorite memory was. Instantly, I thought of the annual Christmas parties in elementary school when all the parents brought snacks, we drank hot chocolate and watched The Polar Express. Sure, I could do that now with my friends, but it just wouldn’t feel the same. I can’t quite explain what would be different; besides the obvious age factor, it just would be.
Not being able to go back to that moment, or feel that same kind of magic again, brings me to the verge of tears. The closest I’ll ever get is living vicariously through my future kids. For now, I’m stuck trying to recreate that feeling every holiday season, but it’s hard when seasonal depression is genuinely kicking my ass. It’s hit me like a brick the past few days, and honestly, it’s been a struggle.
But nostalgia doesn’t just hit me during the holidays. Recently, I saw a TikTok about the soundtrack from my favorite Disney Channel show growing up— Austin & Ally. Naturally, I immediately went to listen to every song ever sung by Austin Moon (Ross Lynch). And just like I remembered, they’re all absolute bangers. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re actually good songs or if I just thrive off the feeling of hearing something that takes me straight back to my childhood.
Similarly, in my Child and Adolescent Development class today, we started talking about our favorite kids’ shows. Shows I hadn’t thought about in years, like Oswald or Special Agent Oso, came up, and I immediately felt that familiar pit in my stomach. Every now and then, I forget how much I miss being a kid, almost more than I miss anything else, and when I’m reminded, it feels like the worst thing in the world.
I’m trying to live in the now, to appreciate where I am, but sometimes it’s just hard. I don’t think I’ll ever learn how to stop wishing I could go back to the past, but maybe I can learn to enjoy the present a little more.