The Fear Of Getting Older

Content warning: This article discusses death and illness.

When seeing older people in public, the usual reaction is “Aw, that’s sweet” or some type of pity. But when I see older people, I feel fear. Fear of getting older, fear of losing myself, Alzheimer’s disease, and fear for my future. What if I have no one to care for me? What if I’m already alone, desperately waiting for the day I join my passed loved ones?

Life is already scary in general. But the future makes it even more terrifying for me. In this article, I go into the reasons behind my fears of getting older. Thinking of my past experiences with death, illness, and getting older in general. If you do not feel comfortable with these topics, I recommend you click away now. I will be getting into the harsh realities of life, growth, and death. Thinking about how it changed me and what my future might look like.

When I think about getting older, I think of my grandparents. My grandfather, nicknamed ‘Buddy,’ lived with my grandmother, ‘Caroline.’ For as long as I can remember, my grandpa never spoke. My mother recalls that he used to speak when I was a baby, but as the years went on, he just stopped talking. The older I got, so did he.

He was beginning to lose his grip on reality. He would get confused, lost, and silently distressed. Eventually, my grandmother had to let him go into a nursing home. I felt sad for him, but my younger self could not entirely understand what was going on. And as time moved on again, his health began to decline. I could tell he was slipping, and eventually I couldn’t bring myself to visit him anymore. In 2019, my grandfather passed away from Alzheimer’s disease. I did not go to his funeral; I couldn’t put myself in another situation of coping with another family member’s death.

This disease terrifies me. Essentially, you slowly lose your memories, including skills. It is hard to watch when it happens to your loved ones. My biggest fear is Alzheimer’s happening to me or my significant other. Losing everything you have known, loved, and needed, all of it. Now that I know more about what happens when you have this disease, I feel regret for not trying to help my grandfather more and for not visiting him when it was close to the end. Did I fail him? Why did I laugh when, in reality, he was struggling? Was it just because I was too young to understand?

Some examples of media that speak more of this subject are the movie Still Alice, directed by Richard Glatzer, or the album Everywhere at The End of Time by The Caretaker. Both of these pieces of media show the process of the degrading mind and how it affects those around them. I have been brought to tears by both of these pieces of media.

Still Alice focuses on a singular woman’s experience with Alzheimer’s. Showing how she slowly transitions from a successful professor to a woman confused inside her own home. While Everywhere at The End of Time looks deeper into the mind of an Alzheimer’s patient and what they have to live through. Please note that both of these pieces of media are of a darker tone and can be disturbing to some people.

Life terrifies me. What if I don’t get to do everything I want to do? Visit Japan, move to Montana, collect figures, have a nice garden, own a pet snake, meet my favorite childhood YouTuber, and so much more. What if I have no one to care for me when I’m old? Will I be alone? Will I have no one to talk to? To some, my fears may seem unfounded. “You have plenty of time left,” or “You probably won’t have the same thing as your grandpa,” and so on is what I hear from family. So, I have come here to speak about how I feel.

In the end, I try to stay positive. Even though we all know that life will eventually end, it is also known that you can defy it by living your life to the fullest. So, when it is time to leave, you will take death’s hand with a smile and move on to the next life.