When growing up, I have always felt that death is an event that should always remain hushed and kept quiet. Whenever someone passes away, there is a lot of sadness, cards, ceremonies, and after some time, life goes back to normal. We might say we do not want to “bring up the past” or make someone sad. But learning about DĂa de los Muertos and the tradition of creating an ofrenda made me look at grief a little differently.
As someone who is not Hispanic, I know that DĂa de los Muertos is not my culture to claim. I am still learning about its history and meaning, and I think that is part of what makes learning about it so meaningful. An ofrenda is not simply a colorful decoration or something associated with a holiday. It is a way of remembering people who have died and keeping their memory alive.
What I found most interesting was how personal ofrendas could be. Ofrendas have been known to include photographs of those who have passed away, candles, flowers, food items, and other objects that serve as a reminder of those we love. Instead of only focusing on the fact that someone is gone, an ofrenda can focus on who that person was when they were here.
Sometimes, when someone dies, it seems as though the story of the person has been reduced to nothing but their death. People discuss the time at which they died, how they died, and how much they are missed. But there is so much more to a person than the way they died. They were a best friend to someone, the parent of another, and the sibling and child of others.
Of course, grief is painful. Remembering someone can hurt, especially when the loss is still recent. But remembering can also make us smile. It can remind us of funny moments, old traditions, family stories, and the little things that made someone special. DĂa de los Muertos creates space for both emotions to exist at the same time.
We often treat conversations about death as uncomfortable. We sometimes act like grief has an expiration date, where after enough time has passed, you are expected to move on. But losing someone does not mean you have to stop missing them. It also does not mean you have to stop talking about them.
An ofrenda could be a reminder that the people we lost will still find their way back into our lives through the memories we keep in our minds. While they may no longer physically exist in our lives, their influence will not go away.
Learning about ofrendas did not make me understand grief completely. I don’t think anyone can. But it did make me realize that maybe grief is not only about learning how to let someone go. Maybe it is also about learning how to carry their memory with you. And sometimes, remembering someone is one of the most loving things you can do.