I have always been entirely and fiercely independent, somewhat out of desire, but majorly out of necessity. To avoid spewing out my life story, I will just say it plainly; it is just the way it is, and the way it is always going to be.
This has transcended into my college life, of course. I am putting myself through college. My phone is pretty much completely devoid of calls from home, my mailbox sits empty, and my family weekends are spent like any other ordinary weekend.
I don’t resent anyone for this, don’t get it twisted. I understand why things work out this way in the hustle and bustle of my parents’ very work-filled lives, and my siblings’ own journeys into their adulthood. We have always been a “some things don’t need to be said” family. I know how much they love me, and spend wonderful breaks with them, and that is enough for me.
Lately, though, I feel I have been hanging on by a thread. I work five jobs, maintain an internship, and run a big club while participating in others. It is a lot.
What somehow makes it feel heavy is not the workload, though. It is the loneliness of getting back to my empty house while my roommates sleep soundly. The coldness of my bed while I wonder what everyone is up to at home. The painful absence of “How are you doing?” Doing everything alone starts to take its toll.
Going into the New Year in a few short weeks, I have really started to ponder my life situation. My wondering if things will always feel this way has kick-started a shift in mentality.
In many ways, there is beauty in doing it all alone.
Firstly, I can look back and be insanely proud of where I have gotten myself, and continue to be proud of everything I do every day. I hear all the time, “I could never do what you are doing!” and that is honestly comforting.
Spending so much time with yourself teaches you a lot about YOU! I have gotten a really strong picture of my strengths, my weaknesses, what I like, what I hate… You get the point.
I have come to know that I am the main character in my life. I don’t have to depend on other people. I can be confident in my ability to take things on. I trust that I WILL get everything done, even if it kills me. Even in the moments I really wish someone were there, I know that I do not need it, which can be a soothing thing.
I’ve stopped fearing my own company. I can be content and can really sit with things by myself. In many ways, doing things alone is very grounding.
I don’t settle. I don’t cling to things that I know will not serve me. I hold myself to such high standards, so why would I not hold the people and places in my life to the same standards?
Overall, it inspires tremendous growth. To put it in the terms a crappy school counselor would tackle bullying, it builds character.
Although it is not always easy, I have started to find the beauty in it.